Category Archives: Moving On

Nothing.

Since Muppet was born I’ve had a lot easier time dealing with other people’s pregnancies. Although it no longer sent me into a spiraling pool of depression when someone announced they were expecting, there was still a small knot that formed in my stomach that was filled with jealousy. I still have a really hard time with things like ultrasound photos on FB, mostly because that is something I’ll never get. I’ve never seen an ultrasound picture of Muppet and I doubt I will see one of Baby Boy.

But something has changed for me since we found out we were going to be getting Baby Boy in a few months. Since then I’ve found out about 2 pregnancies, one a relative and one a friend. These are both people who have never gone through infertility and conceived pretty much right after they started trying. In the past this has felt so unfair to me and would take days if not weeks to get over. But do you know what I felt this time? Nothing.

Seriously. No knot, no jealousy, no pain. I felt happy for them and their growing families (both are expecting their second child). It as if the news of our second child’s arrival has eased that burden from me. We’ve already decided that we are only have two children so no there is no question on how our second child will come to us. That knowledge has set me free. For the first time in years I feel like infertility isn’t controlling my life. I sincerely hope it lasts because it feels amazing.

name

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Filed under adoption, Baby Boy, Family, Moving On

After boom

Thank you all for your comments and congratulations! Although I haven’t been as present since Muppet was born I knew I could come to you all with this major change in our lives. I love this community so much and am so grateful for all the support.

I said in my last post that I couldn’t write about all that has happened in one post. Because yes, there is more. While all this was going on with the new adoption we were also coming face to face with some other major life changes. For awhile now we have been toying around with the idea of relocating. Our time in SoCal has been amazing. The people that we have met and who have become our family are truly some of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. While it is hard to think of leaving that kind of comfort we were feeling stagnant. So J started apply and this week caught the fish of our dreams.

At the end of this month we will be moving to Seattle, WA where J will be working for a major gaming studio. We are beyond excited. But adding a major move with all the adoption stuff is making my eye twitch with anxiety and stress. I started filling out paperwork for our home study today. We are working with a Washington agency who is able to get this done in a rush for us so we have every thing prepared before the baby comes. I’m frantically making calls all day trying to arrange physicals, finger printing, and anything we can plausibly get done before we leave Cali. That way as soon as we get to our new home we can start the social worker visits.

We haven’t announced anything about the baby on FB yet. We have quite a few people who know but for the most part we want to get settled in Seattle before we unveil that impending event. Plus I really want to do a picture of Muppet in a big sister shirt to announce. Since this is going to be my last (seriously.) baby I can’t help but really want to do that despite how annoying I’ve found it to be in the past. And right now I just don’t have the time to take that kind of photo the way I want it.

Luckily we have some great friends in Seattle and one of them just bought a house, so the house they were renting is available. We will likely be taking over their lease so that we can get a feel of the area before buying a home of our own. This takes my stress level down a bit as at least I don’t have to worry about rushing to buy a house just so we have a roof over our heads. I’m also going to be going to stay with my parents for a week so that Muppet and I are out-of-the-way for J and the movers. Trying to pack with an 19 month old is just too difficult so luckily our new company is paying someone to do that for us.

AGH. I have so much to do I almost don’t even know where to start. I’m just taking things one day at a time and reminding myself how lucky I am to be having all these amazing things happen for me.

name

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Filed under adoption, Family, Home Study, Motherhood, Moving On

Not giving up!

I’ve posted before about my struggles with the space. I’ve felt odd posting about motherhood here since it was a space so specifically dedicated to infertility.

But now I’m saying screw it.

The time I spend at home with Muppet is so rewarding but I admit, there are times that it is very lonely. I mean, I talk to a 8 month old all day. Although she is pretty much the most awesome person around, she is not much of a conversationalist yet. Plus I have things to say and this is where I want to say them.

I thought about starting a new blog, one dedicated to parenting an adopted child, but I really don’t want to start over. This is the place where I feel at home so I’m not going to do that. I will still be posting topics regarding infertility because lets face it: it will always be a part of my life. But I will also be posting about adoption and parenting. If this is not something you feel you can read, no hard feelings. Truly. I know when I was going through treatment the last thing I wanted to read about was another bloggers baby. But if you feel like sticking around I would love the company. I’m going to do better about catching up on all your blogs as well. I read blogs quite often but I’ve been horrible at commenting and I want to rectify that. I am rededicating myself to the blog world – I think I need it right now. So stay tuned if you like: there will be lots more to come.

name P.S. I will probably be occasionally posting pictures of Muppet but if you would like to see more follow me on Instagram @trishp28. I will warn you though, I am that annoying parent that only posts pictures of their baby. But she is a really cute baby worth seeing.

P.P.S. Thank you all for your comments in my last post. I was feeling down in the dumps and you all helped a lot. Please always feel free to inform me about adoption bloggers. I’m eager to add more to my blogroll.

10 Comments

Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Celebration, Infertility, Motherhood, Moving On, Stay At Home Mom

Where to go from here

I’ve been having a really hard time with this space lately. Over the past 2 years this blog has been a source of comfort and strength for me, it has been here during the hardest moments of my life as a place where I could truly be myself. Once upon a time I posted because I wanted to. But now, I post because I feel I have to.

Honestly I think what is hard for me is seeing this space, which was once a place filled with the bitter reality of what it is like to go through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, become a mommy blog.

There is NOTHING wrong with mommy blogs. I have another blog where I do post pretty much all things Muppet. But I feel like by doing that here I am taking away the essence of what this blog has been for me. Yes, it shows that dreams do come true, but it also can mask what it takes to reach those dreams. And one thing that is very important for me is to never forget where I came from. Infertility leaves a scar, and I don’t want to cover mine up.

So what am I saying? That I will never post here? No. Hardly. Because the reality for me is…I’m not done. J and I have talked extensively about the subject and as crazy as it seems…we want to try again. Not now. Right now I am enjoying the time I have with my sweet Muppet, but in my heart I know our family is not complete. Another adoption is still on the table, but honestly I don’t know if we could afford it. Financially or emotionally. I will write post about this another day though.

For now what I am saying is posts might be sparse. Because I need this to be a space dedicated to the cruel reality of building a family and all the pain that goes with it when dealing with infertility. So there will be posts, just not ones dedicated to my girl.

That being said there are a lot of you who have stuck with me through the past few years and that I know care about Muppet. So like I said, I do have another blog. However it is a very open blog with all my personal information in it. So I do want to be cautious with it. So if you want the link you can click on the About Me tab above. There is a contact form to fill out where you can request the link. ***PLEASE don’t be offended if you do not receive a response. I really didn’t even know how to post this here because I won’t be giving it out to everyone. But I also don’t know how else to go about this. This is a very personal blog so if I really don’t know you I hesitate to give it out. But a lot of you I do know. And you are all near and dear to my heart so I’d like to extend an invite to the blog if you’d like to follow along.

In short, I’ve come a long way in 2 years but now times are changing, and I need to do what I feel most comfortable with at this time. So stick around if you’d like, there will be posts and maybe even small updates on Muppet. But I know that for now a little break is needed.

name

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Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On, RPL

It is known

Back in December when we discovered that my last pregnancy was ectopic there were a few thoughts that came into my mind. Most of them where along the lines of “Why me?!?!?” but one particular though was “Shit, this means I’m going to have to do the HSG test again.” Sure enough, it was something my doctor recommend a week later. Then everything blew up, I landed in emergency surgery again, and it was discovered that the reason for my ectopic was clear, my tube had formed adhesions which had caused it to become stuck to my abdominal cavity in a looped shape. My surgeon again told me I needed to have the HSG test done. She tried her best to un-adhere the tube and get it in a normal shape but because of the delicate nature of fallopian tubes she had to be very careful, therefore she didn’t know if she was completely successful or not.

But I knew I was done. I knew as soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test for the 4th time that if it didn’t turn into a take-home baby, I was finished. I was broken at that point. I couldn’t even be excited about my BFP, I was so emotionally detached from the whole thing in order to protect myself. Then of course it was found to be ectopic and I was even more sure that I was done.

Right after my surgery we immediately began pursuing adoption. We poured ourselves into pamphlets, websites, and paperwork. So why bother with the test? Who cares if my tube was looped or damaged? I had no intention on using it again so why go through it all over?

The recommended that I have it done in March. But March came and went and I didn’t do it. By this point though, it was starting to creep into my mind. The “what if” of it all. I was firm in my decision to adopt but I felt like I couldn’t fully let go of the past until I knew for sure if it would ever be possible for us to naturally conceive again.

There were 3 results the test could give us:

  1. The tube was still looped inside my body making any naturally pregnancy that would occur an ectopic pregnancy.
  2. The tube was no longer looped, but the strain from the surgery and the ectopic pregnancy caused it permanent damage making it not viable.
  3. It was fine. Normal shaped, healthy and ready to go.

I can say that my instincts were screaming at me that the answer would be number 1. I felt positive that because of the surgeons less than confident attitude towards it made me feel that she was unable to un-loop the tube. I felt SO sure about this that I started discussing with my OB a more permanent form of birth control. Mainly an IUD. I told her that I can sometimes get careless with my BC and that if more ectopic pregnancies were in my future I had no plan of ever getting pregnant again. (To be truthful in my mind there will be no pregnancy regardless of the outcome but more on that later.) Her answer was simply “We need to do the HSG test”.

I needed to close the book on this chapter of my life. I have whole-heartedly accepted that my family will be formed through adoption. I feel no resentment over this, only excitement. But I still needed to know.

So I finally set the appointment. I went in feeling sick to my stomach. My first go at the HSG was not a pleasant experience. However this time, it wasn’t as bad. That may be due to the fact that I gratuitously took pain-killers that were left over from my surgery, but I digress. Unlike the first time though, the doctor did not give me the results straight away. He told me he had to take the films and magnify them, to really get an idea of what was going on. I had a good idea what was going on, but I thanked him and left.

Tonight I got a call from my OB with the results. My tube…is perfect. It is not looped, it is not damage, and I am in shock. I am still at a higher risk for and ectopic than most as I have already had one, but still…if I wanted to I could try again.

Right now, we don’t want to. Our adoption process is moving along beautifully and we have no desire to change our course. But guys, we have options now. Coming out of this, I did not expect to have any. Its odd getting good news for once.

name

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Filed under adoption, Celebration, Ectopic, Healing, Moving On

Do infertility blogs have an expiration date?

This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot lately. For the most part I feel that the ALI community has generations of sorts. When we start out we find blogs that are roughly around the same part of the process that we are, or who are also starting to navigate the waters of blogging. We band together and form attachments to these people. We follow each other’s stories with hopeful hearts and understanding spirits. But along the way something starts to change…people start to resolve.

All those who struggle with infertility eventually resolve. Some will have their miracle babies, some will turn to adoption, some may even choose to live child-free. But we all do it. We find a way to move on with our lives and create a universe where our infertility no longer defines us.

So then what happens to our blogs? In all honesty I know very few blogs that have managed to resolve while still remaining true to its infertility roots. The two main things I see happen are 1) they step away from their blogs and stop writing once they resolve; or 2) they become mommy bloggers.

Let me state for the record: I do not see anything wrong with either of these options. Trust me, I can imagine how hard it would be to write about the woes of infertility while your adorable baby is sleeping soundly next to you. I also know how much joy it would be to write about that child that you worked so hard to bring into your life. Who doesn’t want to both brag about your baby and also describe the more difficult aspects of motherhood? I get that.

I also understand those who decide to walk away from their blogs once they have resolved. For those who decide to live child-free I can imagine it is because the blog would be a constant reminder of what you have had to endure. It is not easy to move on when something that big is still staring you in the face. For those who have children, you may feel as though you are no longer part of the community or that you are being insensitive to others who are still in the trenches.

I know for me personally, as a blogger who is pursuing adoption, I find myself in a difficult position in the infertility community. Because yes, I am still infertile. And yes, I am still trying to bring a baby into my home. But it is a very different path, one that I don’t see many bloggers follow.

My generation of the community has grown up. The women whose blogs I still read have all found a way to their babies. Only 1 has not become pregnant or given birth, although for now she is building a new life for herself and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I still follow every single blog. I read all the birth stories, the pregnancy fears, the sleep training, and breast-feeding dramas. I still care deeply about every single one of these women who have made such a deep impact on my life the past 2 years. I beam with joy at every safe delivery and reach of viability. Because you all deserve this happiness. More than anyone.

But I’m still here. I know I’m closer now than I have ever been, but I’m still not there. This Mother’s Day was probably one of the most difficult days of my life (other than my miscarriages of course). It was worse than MB’s due date believe it or not. Maybe because on MB’s day it was not in my face, however with Mother’s Day it was all anyone talked about. I fought tears all day long thinking how unfair it was that I didn’t get to hold my babies on that day. J was super sweet though, and brought me home some flowers. He said to me “Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for being so good to our babies.” Which of course made me feel incredibly lucky and incredibly guilty at the same time.

But I digress. My main point is, it seems to me there comes a point for all of us where we have to make big decisions about where our blog is headed. I have felt myself already starting to pull away from this space, though it has been a unconcious decision. I haven’t meant to go so long between posts, but I feel as though there is not much for me to say. Adoption is so different from cycling. There is no constant change or revelations made. It is mostly just waiting.

I hate to jump to conclusions and say that once we have a baby in our home that I will stop blogging, because this space has been such a source of comfort and strength for me over the years, but at the same time I don’t know if I can imagine posting a lot of information about our child. Especially given how adoptions can be a little tricky to navigate in that area.

So for those of you who have resolved – How did you make the decision to either keep blogging or step away?

name

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On, questions

Sucker Punched

Let me start by saying I am excited about our upcoming adoption. Thrilled actually. J and I are in a better place then we have been in a very, very long time. I can’t tell you how many nights J turns to me and says “Can we get the baby tonight?” or “I’m ready for our sweet baby!” Yes he calls our future baby ‘Sweet Baby’. Endearing no?

So why is it, when I am in a good place and excited, that it still feels like a punch to the stomach when someone else announces their pregnancy?

My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me and got married less than a year ago announced her pregnancy last night. To her credit, she was extremely concerned about how I found out. She actually had my mom tell me (I don’t live in the same state as her so I rarely see or talk to her) when she was around 7 weeks, and she didn’t announce on FB till 12 weeks. So I knew it was coming, I knew her due date, I knew all of this…but it still hurt.

I sent her a private message congratulating her and thanking her for letting me know before hand but the whole time I felt like I was lying. I HATE being this person. I should be happy, I mean she was my first friend in life. I can’t tell you how many sleep overs we had. During college we went to Australia together for 3 weeks, just the two of us. She waited a long time to get married and I was thrilled when she found her husband. I should be happy because the way things are going, it looks like we will be raising babies at the same time. We will be able to talk and share tips about sleep training, strollers, ect.

That part I am excited for, I guess it is just the thought that she is going to get to have an experience that I want so badly that bothers me. I have a very odd opinion about pregnancy at the moment. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again, too much can go wrong, too much pain can come from it. Yet, I am so envious of those who unknowingly get to have this amazing experience that I will never get to have. The ones who become pregnant and twiddle their thumbs throughout the whole thing not understanding what a miracle it is. Most of all I envy that they get to see the physical manifestation of their relationship with their partner.

That is the one thing I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. That I will never get to see that mix of me and J. That he will never get to look at his child and see himself in their little face. He could. He could with someone else, just not with me.

To clarify I am in no way ‘settling’ with an adopted child. I am already so crazy about the baby that is going to come into our home. I’ve even found myself wandering through the baby sections at stores and browsing through onesies, something I never let myself do when I was pregnant. The fact that we are bringing this child into our home feels me with so much joy. To see J excited in a way he never was during our TTC time brings me joy. This all is such a happy time for us. It is truly where I want to be.

But I’m still jealous. And I really, really wish I wasn’t.

name

 

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Family, Infertility, Moving On