In the past I have written a little here and there about my love / hate relationship with my RE. I’m a very passive person by nature and like to see and believe the best in people. He is an extremely nice guy. He has a way of making you feel incredibly secure and hopeful in his presence. He has said from day 1 that he firmly believes that I will be able to carry a pregnancy to term and he has not wavered from that opinion. I always leave his office feeling calm and optimistic.
But then I get home and I start thinking about all the things that he does not do for me. After our Clomid cycle with him failed he was pushing us to go forward with injectables. We did not feel comfortable with this and instead wanted to give Femara a try. He refused and said if Clomid didn’t work Femara wouldn’t either. Then the big cyst happened. J has had an issue with this guy since my first surgery. Fact of the matter is I never should have been put on such a high dose of Clomid (100mg for 10 days) with the amount of cysts on my ovaries, which he did know about as he did many ultrasounds and a SHG before the Clomid. This is what caused the huge cyst and subsequently the loss of my ovary. After the surgery when I called their office to inform them that I had just had an ovary removed I spoke to the receptionist and heard nothing else from them. At that point I was frustrated, I’m not a needy patient, but I felt very abandoned by this.
However, then I found myself pregnant. Being in this community as long as I had I knew I wanted betas and early ultrasounds done, so I felt I had no other choice but the call up this office since they knew my history. I was a bit worried that they’d refuse since I had gotten pregnant naturally but I was accepted back into the fold. He was with me through all my pregnancies. He saw how broken I was after my 2nd loss. He continually tried to encourage me not to give up. He ran the normal RPL panels and informed me they all came back normal. However when the results from my D&C came back he didn’t even call me, instead he e-mailed me the report so I had to come home from work, open my e-mail and read that my baby was a healthy male. Complete breakdown. I just feel like that situation deserved a bit of respect and sensitivity.
When the first beta came back at 18 for this last pregnancy I was extremely nervous. I knew this was low, but he tried to convince me otherwise. I suspected and ectopic but I let him tell me otherwise by talking about finding it early and the first repeat doubling. When we suspected I was having another miscarriage he did perform an ultrasound to check for a gestational sac but when there was no sac he never checked my ovary or that area, if he had he would have seen a mass which was the ectopic. It wasn’t until a week later when my numbers kept rising that he finally came to the conclusion that I had had since the beginning.
The pain started when I was out-of-town. I frantically called his cell number (which he gave to me in case of circumstances like this) but he never answered. I left message after message. He told me if he didn’t answer to keep calling until he did. I called a total of 4 times (over a 45 min period) before I finally decided to call the office directly. I knew the office was closed but I also knew they had an option to be transferred to the on-call doctor. I had no way of knowing if it would be my doctor since there are others in the practice but at this point I didn’t care. We were in the car on the way to the ER when I made the call, and it was my doctor who picked up. While talking to him he asked why I didn’t call him directly. I told him I had multiple times and left messages. He said “Oh, is your area code ***?” I told him yes (it is not a California area code) and he said he doesn’t pick up numbers he doesn’t know since he gets a lot of sales calls. He said he must have forgotten to save my number in his phone. SERIOUSLY?
At this point I was in too much pain to care. That day while in the ER he kept in touch with my doctors and went ahead and agreed with them about the surgery. From there he washed his hands of me. I was told when I got back in town to follow-up with him. When I called to schedule the follow-up I was told they wouldn’t be able to see me till the middle of January. I stressed that I had just had surgery and I needed to see him but there was nothing. I asked if they had received my medical notes and was told no. I went ahead and scheduled the appointment for mid-January. I was able to get in with my OB that week so she has been doing my post-op care.
For the appointment with the RE I again called and asked them to request my medical notes from the surgery so that when I did go in I could discuss things with him. The receptionist acted very put out and like all I was doing was wasting her time. I ended up getting the medical notes from my OB to take to the appointment, but as I was doing so I realized something. My RE…he had NO idea what has been going on. The hospital never contacted him after it was decided I’d have surgery. He never received (or requested for that matter) my records so for all he knows I lost my tube. He has no idea that for the past week I’ve been at my OB’s monitoring my HCG levels because they have still not bottomed out. He has no idea that my OB almost decided to give me another dose of Methotrexate because she was worried about the levels. He has no idea that I came through that surgery intact. But most importantly, to me it feels like he doesn’t care.
Today I called and cancelled my appointment with him. They asked if I wanted to reschedule and I simply said no. I will not be that person who calls someone out because it is not who I am. If they had asked the reason I would have told the that I felt like I was not getting the care I need or deserve from the office and left it at that. If we ever decide to go back to cycling, I will find a new RE. One who I feel will give me the respect of at least acting like what happens to me matters. I really wanted this to work with him. But I can no longer ignore what J has been telling me for a year. It’s time to be done with this office.
Yesterday was hard. I knew the upcoming holidays were going to be much more difficult to get through than usual but I wasn’t expecting the gloom that settled over me whenever my mind was not actively engaged in something. It probably didn’t help that the night before Thanksgiving J and I had a huge fight that I still wasn’t over. It didn’t help that I felt nauseous every time I tried to eat, resulting in a pretty lame Thanksgiving meal for me. But most of all it didn’t help that the bleeding truly began.
I’ve been expecting it for days. The spotting has been increasing in intensity and times where it has been bright red. I knew there was no chance of this working out at this point. My last beta number came in at 286. Which was a doubling time of 52 hours. My doctor tried to play it off saying there is still a possibility of this working out. But he was not taking into consideration the amount of spotting I’ve been having. Now there is no doubt. I’m wearing a pad and passing tissue. This is over now I just have to wait for it to all go down.
I’m supposed to go in for a final beta and an ultrasound next Wednesday as I would be 6 weeks. I think I’m going to call Monday and try to cancel the ultrasound though. Really there is no point. Plus I have PTSD regarding that ultrasound room and I don’t need another reason for that to continue. I also really want to stop taking my Lovenox injections. I’ve continued because I felt it was the responsible thing to do but now I just feel like I’m sticking needles in myself for no reason. Thoughts? I’m worried if I stop I’ll feel guilty until we confirm my levels are decreasing.
At least now I know we are done for this year. Possibly done for good. It seem very obvious to me that none of this has been “bad luck”. Something is very wrong with my body. Based on how early I’m losing them I think there is something wrong with implanting. But there isn’t much more we can do to help that. And I don’t know if I can do this again. One thing this pregnancy has really taught me is that I’m not healed. Because the pregnancy that I am mourning right now is not the current one. It’s MBs. He was my fighter, the one who somehow got past the implanting stage and made it. Yet he still died. And the fact that I don’t know why he died hurts so much. Yesterday all I could think about was wishing that I still was pregnant with him so that he could be the thing I was grateful for. I’m still too damaged from his loss to embrace a new pregnancy.
Of course my doctor will bench me for a month, then he will encourage me to try again. Of this I am sure. But I’m benching myself. I’m not sure if it is a permanent bench or not at this point. I just know right now I can’t do it. I used to hesitate about adopting because I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted the whole experience. Now pregnancy no longer holds wonder and joy for me. It will be nothing but terror and anxiety. And I am not sure that I want it anymore.
Sorry for the bummer post on the weekend that it supposed to be all about gratitude. All I can do is hope that next year my story is a happier one, even though I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.
I haven’t really known how to write this post. I’ve been muddling over it for 3 days now because I don’t want anything to come across wrong. When I said I didn’t want to know what the result of this cycle was I meant it. In fact I kinda wish that I still didn’t know. But circumstances led me to take a pregnancy a mere few hours after my last post.
Let me defend myself here: It was not my intention to test. But after my last post I went to the bathroom only to discover some brown spotting. The same brown spotting that I get every cycle that I am not pregnant a few days before my period. In my mind I felt that I should test to prove that I could stop taking my progesterone and injections. Part of me was very tempted to just stop since it was obvious my period was on its way despite the progesterone but I did the responsible thing and tested so there would be no doubt in my mind. Never for a moment did I consider that it would be positive.
There was no excitement or joy. I’ve become numb during this experience. It was probably the most depression pregnancy announcement made to a husband ever. Because what I did say to him was “There is a line”. His response: “Okay”. And then it was over. He asked me what I was going to do and I told him I’d get a blood test in the morning but other than that we pretty much ignored it.
We are too damaged. Too afraid of the outcome. I fear another loss, he fears my subsequent meltdown.
My doctor is good to me. I called the next morning, they got me in that afternoon, and I had my results by that evening. I told my co-workers I needed to step outside to check my voicemail. I pressed the phone to my ear and listened as my cheerful nurse told me that my blood results were positive for pregnancy…however my HCG was on the “low side”. As she said the number I merely nodded my head and thought “that sounds about right”. Because my number isn’t just on the low side. It’s shockingly low. I had braced myself for a lower number as I had always done betas on 15dpo in the past and this one was taken on 13dpo. But my number…I almost laughed at it. Because my HCG? It is only at 18.
My first pregnancy was a little low at 15dpo at 65. In order to match that number my HCG will have to quadruple. My second pregnancy was 233 at 15dpo. To match that number my number would have to multiply by 13. Mind you both these pregnancies failed. So I’m thinking my 18 isn’t looking to good.
My expectations are low. I am willing to bet that I go in tomorrow for my next beta, the number does go up, but does not double. From there we will pray it is not ectopic. Truthfully if it is going to end I’d rather it end now. I’d rather see declining numbers tomorrow rather than have this drag out painfully.
.My number 4. 4th pregnancy and it is looking like my 4th loss. I know some people would give their right hand to be as “fertile” as me. We have gotten pregnant almost every month we have tried this year. But truthfully right now it feels like a curse. To get a brief glimpse of what could be and then to have it taken away over and over again.
I ovulated. CD 23, a day after I got the positive OPK. It took me a few days to be sure but I am now 3DPO a my temp is still high. Last night I did my first Lovenox shot and it went well. I had J with me for moral support. He was busy looking at all the directions and I just kept telling him “I have to do it now!” So I stuck it and was surprised about how I didn’t even feel it. It hurt a bit afterwards as the medicine spread but not something that was too bad. So I am feeling pretty confident about doing them now.
Before I realized I had ovulated I broke down and scheduled an ultrasound with my OB. Despite being sure that my egg had indeed released I decided to keep the appointment. I have had a little pain in my lower abdomen and given my history I wanted to be sure that nothing else was wrong.
At the ultrasound this morning she confirmed that I did indeed ovulate but there is also quite a bit of free fluid in my abdomen which explains the pain. The only thing that isn’t clear is where it has come from. There are no indications that it is going to be a problem so for now we are just going to do a follow-up next week and keep an eye on the pain level. As long as it doesn’t increase there should not be a problem. Today I haven’t been hurting at all so I’m not too concerned.
So that ladies, is the end to my epic performance. I’d like to thank you all for your attendance. I hope you have enjoyed this particular freak-out, sponsored by PCOS. Thank you and goodnight!
CD 22 – no ovulation. I keep thinking it is coming, my cervix has been high and soft and I have had watery cm for 4-5 days, but my temp stays stubbornly low.
I’m in a bad place right now. I can’t fathom the thought of going back to fertility drugs. I honestly don’t know if I would be able to do it. Which leaves us between a rock and a hard place. If my body is not ovulating on its own we might be done. I just don’t know how much more I can take without breaking.
Going to call tomorrow to try to get an appointment with my OB, but they are usually booked pretty far for ultrasounds so I probably won’t get in till next week if I am lucky.
Maybe some of my PCOS girls can help me out, have you ever noticed watery, abundant cm when you were NOT approaching ovulation? Like just random times in your cycle? I tried to look back on some of my previous charts but of course I didn’t track that. So I don’t know what to think. I know I always get watery cm before ewcm, but this seems to me to be too dragged out. I feel like if it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t happening.
I’m starting to believe that this thing might have finally beat us. We put up a fight…but how long can I stay down on the ground and still get the courage to get back up? I’m tired. Just really, really tired.
Okay so I decided to take an ovulation test today. I should mention in the past I have used these…however they were all during the time we were using Clomid and I was not ovulating on my own. During that time I never saw a true positive. In fact, they always looked almost positive. I figured that was due to PCOS and wacky hormone levels.
So this is the first time I’ve taken one since my surgery. And it was positive. Not even a questionable positive, but WAY positive. So now I am unsure of whether or not I should have hope. I wish I had something to go against, but I don’t know if they still are inaccurate for me or not. Then again, even when I did ovulate on Clomid they never looked like this. So yes, I am confused once again…but maybe slightly more hopeful. Maybe.
I’m on CD 18. No ovulation. Cue FREAK OUT. I mean major freak out. I was so convinced that my temp was going to be up this morning that when that stupid thermometer flashed 97.1 I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t get back to sleep even though I still had a little while before I had to be up. I called my RE this morning in a panic asking if he could run a E2 blood test to see where my estrogen was at and see if I was close to ovulation. Not surprisingly he said he could run a progesterone test, which I told him is pointless because I know I haven’t ovulated, and offered to do an ultrasound. Thing is, my insurance won’t cover said ultrasound and I can’t exactly fork over $200 today. So I told him it wasn’t necessary, hung up the phone and burst into tears.
Mind you this is all happening while I am at work. Luckily before we opened so no patients were here but I was trying to get a grip and hide the fact that I am an emotional mess from my boss. In fact I’m at work on my break right now typing this and I’m again tearing up. They are gonna think I am mental.
CD 18 isn’t so unreasonable for me to have not ovulated…my latest ovulation was CD 23 so I really shouldn’t be freaking out, but in June when I got pregnant I ovulated on CD 16. After my D&C I ovulated 3 weeks later (not sure what CD as I wasn’t charting, but I know it was quick). After the chemical the best I can tell I ovulated around CD 15. What. The. Hell.
To make matters worse I had EWCM CD 13-15. Now I have none. I had a huge temp rise on CD 10 (which freaked me out because I thought I was ovulating early. Now I wish I had.) but it dropped the next day.
Since my surgery I have ovulated every cycle on my own. There is no reason to think that that will change anytime soon, but I can’t help it. I can’t forget about the year we spent TTC when I ovulated only 4 times, all on Clomid. I can’t be annovulatory again. I can’t go back to fertility meds. I’m too damn scared. Last time it landed me in the OR for an emergency surgery. I just can’t.
I’m really scared right now. I know I should try to relax but I can’t. Please ovulate…oh please, please, please.
Welcome to everyone who is here from ICLW! It has been a few months since I participated in this and I am looking forward to reading all of your stories. For those who would like a quick insight to our journey here it is:
-Started trying Dec. 2010
-4 Rounds of Clomid
-Lost my right ovary in January due to some complications of PCOS and Clomid
-Started ovulating on my own after surgery
-April 2012 BFP, followed by a natural miscarriage at 6 weeks
-June 2012 BFP. Everything starts out great, only to find there is no heartbeat at 10 weeks. Missed miscarriage with a D&C and genetic testing.
-Genetic testing comes back as a normal male. I’m devastated.
-I get pregnant again 3 weeks after my D&C even though we aren’t trying. Chemical pregnancy. WTF.
-All RPL tests come back normal.
We are now currently trying again after a month off since the chemical. We have no explanation as to why my body keeps losing our babies. We are adding Lovenox to our regime this month in hopes that if we do conceive that the pregnancy will not end up, once again, in heartbreak.
I wish you all a happy ICLW and I can’t wait to get to know you all better!