Category Archives: Pregnancy

Another reason to hate April’s Fools Day

I’ve always hated April’s Fools Day, ever since I was young. I hate being the butt of other people’s jokes and I am far from a merry prankster. But infertility took my hate of this day to a whole new level. To be far social media is a huge part of the problem too. I dread waking up this day and opening up Facebook to see all the “joke” pregnancy announcements. Even though I knew they likely weren’t real, every single one of them was a punch to the gut. I never thought that anything would annoy me more but the past two years have proven me wrong.

My newest pet peeve about this day: People who make posts on April’s Fools Day telling people NOT to make fake pregnancy announcements.

My reasoning behind this is, at least from my experience, the people who make these posts saying how insensitive it is have absolutely no experience with infertility. Maybe this shouldn’t bug me but it really does. I mean it is good that people are starting to understand that infertility is extremely difficult emotionally, but it always seems like it is the ones who got pregnant ‘without trying’ that point this out. This almost feels like a double slap in the face to me. Is this completely irrational of me? I’m not sure that my anger even makes sense in my own mind. But whenever I see those posts I immediately feel rage boil inside of me.

So what do you guys think? Am I crazy here or is this a good thing that people are doing?

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, People suck, Pregnancy

Adoption Aftermath

When we adopted Muppet my whole world changed. Not only did I become a mother, but all the feelings of anguish and pain caused by infertility suddenly went away. Well not totally away, I don’t think anyone who has gone through infertility doesn’t have at least a few scars, but overall she managed to cover all that hurt up. I no longer saw pregnant women on the street and felt a burning hate. I didn’t see a newborn and want to collapse into tears of longing. She became my world and the blinders she put up made me feel more normal than I had in a long time.

Eventually the blinders came off though. Not to say I’ve totally regressed, the sight of babies no longer pains me. All I see is their squishy little bodies and tiny features that fill me with memories of when my baby was that small and scrunchy. I love babies, I always have. There is something about being around a newborn that breathes life into me and now I am back to enjoying their presence in my world.

But pregnancy is a whole other story. It’s not the same as it was before. There is no hatred when I see round bellies or an announcement online. But there is a huge sense of sadness on my part. In my head this all makes sense. I don’t have a problem with babies because I had a baby. I got to experience the newborn snuggles and smell her delicious head. I got to cuddle her all day long and watch her grow with each passing day. So I don’t feel jealous of that anymore. Maybe a hope that I will get to do it again, but not jealousy.

I didn’t get the pregnancy. This is the one thing I still struggle with. I am SO grateful that I get to be Muppet’s Mama. J and I constantly ask ourselves how we got so lucky. She is everything we could have ever wanted in a child and more. She is without a doubt my child, regardless of the fact that I didn’t create her. But I still have issues with the fact that the first 9 months of her existence was spent with another. I didn’t feel her move in me or get to see any ultrasound pictures. That guts me.

Lately I’ve been having pregnancy dreams again. I haven’t had them in almost 2 years. But this week I’ve had two of them. Both of the dreams involved me being far enough along that I could feel the baby moving inside of me. I don’t know what it is about that simple thing that I crave so much, but I do believe that many take it for granted. In my mind it is so incredibly magical and I hate that I most likely will never get to experience that. Those dreams are so joyful in the moment, knowing that I have a healthy thriving baby within me. As happy as they are at the time though, I wish they’d stop. Because they feel like a kick to the stomach every time I wake and they are not real.

It might be weighing more on my mind now that Muppet is getting older too. I know many people who go through infertility and adoption decide that the one child (or pregnancy) is enough. They don’t try for anymore and raise an only child. I applaud those people. Truly. I think it takes amazing strength to make such a confident decision about your family. But I’ve never been able to reach the same conclusion. J and I both have many siblings so the thought of an only child is completely foreign to us. I honestly don’t know if I even know anybody who is an only child oddly enough. So for us it has never really been in our minds to not have a sibling for Muppet. We know we won’t do more than 2 adoptions. The cost alone makes that difficult. Add on the emotional baggage and I just know I don’t have it in me for more than 2. We want our children to be as close in age as possible, which is tricky with adoption as you don’t have a lot of control over the matter.

Most adoption agencies want you to wait till your first child is 1 before starting the process again. This is to encourage bonding and also to make sure that the adoption process ‘settles’ before starting another. Muppet turned one last month, yet I haven’t been able to convince myself to get going. I don’t know what is holding me back. Part of me is fearful that it will take over our lives and that Muppet won’t be getting what she needs from me. On the other hand I can’t fathom a situation where she wasn’t my number one priority. The mind works in a funny way.

The pregnancy dreams and jealousy don’t help. It only screws my mind up further and makes me hesitate more. I wish I was one of those women who seemed so confident after adoption. Every other adoptive mother I know seems to have it SO together when it comes to this stuff. I don’t hear any of them talk in a way that even hints that they are struggling in the same way that I am. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. It also makes me feel ungrateful. I know how lucky I am. If I had to go through everything I went through before Muppet was born I would. Because it led me to her.

This whole thing leaves me in such an awkward spot. I’ve given myself a deadline, enjoy the rest of the year and the holidays with my amazing baby girl, the start getting our adoption stuff together and ready in January. I’m hoping that by doing this I can sort out the pregnancy issues / jealousy that is rolling around in my head. For any other adoptive moms out there – How did you completely grieve the loss of possible pregnancies? Are my feelings normal or is this something that you had already resolved by the time of your first adoption?

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy

What the future holds

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of infertile bloggers who have found their way to their babies have come to a brave decision. That once they get that long-awaited baby, they were done. They have their babies, whether singletons or twins, and call it quits because who wants to go through that mess again? We are lucky to get our babies.

I desperately wish sometimes that I could reach the same conclusion. But J and I are in agreement that our family is not complete and we really don’t want Muppet to be an only child. There is nothing wrong with this at all, both of us just grew up with a lot of siblings so to us that idea is totally foreign. But I can’t shake the idea that we are not done.

As I mentioned in my last post, J and I have been thinking a lot about how we want to continue to build our family now that Muppet is here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year what our plans were I would have answered firmly and quickly. We would adopt two children and consider ourselves very blessed. Done. Story over.

During this time J agreed with my plan, except he would always sneak in that we could try for a third child naturally. I politely nodded my head and told him “Yeah, maybe.” All the while thinking that there was no way in hell that I would ever try to conceive again. I figured after we had adopted our second child I would find a way to tell him that I just couldn’t go through it again. We would have our family and all would be well.

Enter Muppet. This amazing little girl has changed my life, but she has also done something I never thought possible…she makes me want to have a baby.

Crazy no? I have no idea where this feeling comes from. I was sure about never getting pregnant again, there was not a shred of doubt. So why all the sudden do I want it again?

I don’t know. Typing it out makes me feel really crazy. I just can’t shake the feeling though. I know I’d have to go into it with a very different mindset, a very depressing one. I’d have to go into it knowing that I will likely have more miscarriages. I’d have to be detached. How horrible is that?

I’m not ready now. No way. I’m still too damaged. Plus I’m soaking up all the precious moments I have with Muppet. I refuse to remember the first portion of her life being tainted with my losses. I want to remember all these moments with her in complete joy. She is growing so fast, I already miss the little baby I brought home from the hospital. But I smell her head, touch her soft skin, and I know that she won’t be my only baby.

I’m so grateful for adoption. It has blessed my life so much and I truly can’t imagine life without Muppet. I know without a shred of doubt that she was always meant to be my child. I had to go through a hell of a lot to get her, but it was always supposed to be her. But now I feel like maybe there is another baby that I’m supposed to have as well and maybe, just maybe, that child is supposed to be carried by me.

We could do another adoption. It is always an option. I have just a few hesitancies, the big one being the money. It is incredibly expensive. I know we would only be able to do one more at most. The other is the idea of having two birth moms is a little overwhelming. I love A. She gave me the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me, but that doesn’t make the situation easy.

It will be awhile till I make any final decision, but as of right now I know what I want. I want something I never thought I would want again. And that really scares me.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy, RPL

Walking on Eggshells

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last post. I received so many comments and e-mails that it filled my heart. This weekend has been a tense one in our house. Problems is…we have been through this before. We’ve done the whole sudden gripping pain, ER, and surgery route. Seems ironic that it was 11 months ago that we were dealing with this. So because we know how this goes we are extra cautious / nervous.

The added stress around this time of the year is less than ideal but there is not much we can do about it. All we really can do is take it as easy as possible and hope the Methotrexate works as it is supposed to. But we are prepared for the worse to happen. I immediately programmed my doctor’s cell number into my phone as well as hung it up on the fridge. Then J gave me some of his co-workers numbers to save just in case he is at work and is unable to hear his phone ring. We mapped out a plan on what we will do if the worst happens. In a way I feel like I’m preparing for the end of the world, all down to what I will bring to the hospital and who we will call first.

I’ve also had some pretty morbid thoughts. One of them being every time I step out of the shower and start getting dressed I rifle through my underwear drawer trying to decide which pair to wear. This is because I want to be wearing nice enough panties that I won’t be embarrassed of them when I go to the hospital, but not so nice that I would be upset if this off / on inconsistent bleeding ruined them.

Yesterday I started having some pain on my left side. It started in my thigh and then worked its way up to my abdomen where I experienced sharp stabbing pains right where my doctor said the pain would be. The pain wasn’t intense, only a 3 on the pain scale, and it was very come and go. But of course I freaked out and messaged my doctor. He said that often when the shot starts working you experience mild pain. As long as the pain did not become intense or constant he wasn’t worried, in fact he believed it to be a good sign. I felt more relaxed after this but when it came time to go to bed, when I was very tired and at my most vulnerable, thoughts raged through my head. I wondered if my doctor was wrong and if the pain was coming from the tube leaking, not rupturing. Then I thought I must be bleeding internally and that if I went to sleep I wouldn’t ever wake up again.

This is all very dramatic in the light of day when my head is back on straight but last night was hard. I almost woke up J and told him to set an alarm to wake me up every 2 hours to make sure I was still alive. Like I said, dramatic. But this is the fear I have had over the past few days. I never thought I’d fear for my own life during a pregnancy, only the life of my baby. Everything has changed now.

Good news is today I have had no pain and the bleeding also stopped. I go in tomorrow for a blood draw to see if the Methotrexate is working. Hopefully then we will know if I am destined for surgery or not. Funny thing is…I’m not scared of the surgery. It sucks, but I’ve been through it before and I can do it again. I am more scared of the pain caused by a rupture, the loss of my tube, and waiting. Especially waiting. I just want to know how this is going to end up. If I am going to be operated on, I’d rather it be sooner than later. I can handle this. I just need be able to breathe again without fear.

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Filed under Ectopic, First Trimester, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, RPL

Called it

Some of you may remember but when I first announced this pregnancy I was devastated by the low number. I even made a prediction about the outcome of this pregnancy. I predicted that my next beta would go up but not double, I also predicted that this was an ectopic pregnancy.

WINNER!

Well, on the last part at least. I had another beta yesterday. As my last beta was a week prior and at around 1300 they were expecting to see it at a zero, or at least very close. Instead it came back at over 3600. Not good. So my doctor called me and told me to come in asap for another ultrasound. I knew when I got there what we were looking for. I knew before he told me he suspected an ectopic that this is what it was. Some times it sucks knowing all the worst case scenarios.

Long story short he confirmed an ectopic via ultrasound and gave me some options. We could go in for surgery right away, cut open the tube, and take out the pregnancy. The problem with this option is sometimes the tube will develop scar tissue and close up. Given that I have only one ovary this is not a chance I’m willing to take. Instead we decided to go with a Methotrxate shot. This gives  a fighting chance of saving my last remaining hope of a genetic child.

That being said I am still at a very high risk for rupture given the size of the pregnancy. My office worked frantically calling all the pharmacies in the area trying to find the shot. My doctor wanted it administered today in order to give us the best chance possible. They were able to track it down and I was given the shot an hour ago. That shot is literally a pain in the ass. Definitely feeling very sore.

I’ve been scared of pregnancy ever since I saw my first positive. However that fear always came from the thought of losing the pregnancy. I never thought I’d be scared of the pregnancy itself. But I’m terrified right now. I’m so scared that I have an unavoidable date with the operating room. My doctor gave me his personal cell number and told me to call him if I experienced any pain at all, and he would meet me at the ER. Not exactly reassuring that everything is going to be fine.

Not to mention the lingering fear that this might just be the end. Everyone has a line, and we have already decided ours. We made the choice long ago that IVF is just something we are not willing to do in light of my miscarriages. So if this tube goes…there goes our babies. The ones that I see in my dreams that look like J and I.

In the end I know we will be parents. I just never thought it would end this way.

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Filed under Depression, Ectopic, First Trimester, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, RPL

Lost

Yesterday was hard. I knew the upcoming holidays were going to be much more difficult to get through than usual but I wasn’t expecting the gloom that settled over me whenever my mind was not actively engaged in something. It probably didn’t help that the night before Thanksgiving J and I had a huge fight that I still wasn’t over. It didn’t help that I felt nauseous every time I tried to eat, resulting in a pretty lame Thanksgiving meal for me. But most of all it didn’t help that the bleeding truly began.

I’ve been expecting it for days. The spotting has been increasing in intensity and times where it has been bright red. I knew there was no chance of this working out at this point. My last beta number came in at 286. Which was a doubling time of 52 hours. My doctor tried to play it off saying there is still a possibility of this working out. But he was not taking into consideration the amount of spotting I’ve been having. Now there is no doubt. I’m wearing a pad and passing tissue. This is over now I just have to wait for it to all go down.

I’m supposed to go in for a final beta and an ultrasound next Wednesday as I would be 6 weeks. I think I’m going to call Monday and try to cancel the ultrasound though. Really there is no point. Plus I have PTSD regarding that ultrasound room and I don’t need another reason for that to continue. I also really want to stop taking my Lovenox injections. I’ve continued because I felt it was the responsible thing to do but now I just feel like I’m sticking needles in myself for no reason. Thoughts? I’m worried if I stop I’ll feel guilty until we confirm my levels are decreasing.

At least now I know we are done for this year. Possibly done for good. It seem very obvious to me that none of this has been “bad luck”. Something is very wrong with my body. Based on how early I’m losing them I think there is something wrong with implanting. But there isn’t much more we can do to help that. And I don’t know if I can do this again. One thing this pregnancy has really taught me is that I’m not healed. Because the pregnancy that I am mourning right now is not the current one. It’s MBs. He was my fighter, the one who somehow got past the implanting stage and made it. Yet he still died. And the fact that I don’t know why he died hurts so much. Yesterday all I could think about was wishing that I still was pregnant with him so that he could be the thing I was grateful for. I’m still too damaged from his loss to embrace a new pregnancy.

Of course my doctor will bench me for a month, then he will encourage me to try again. Of this I am sure. But I’m benching myself. I’m not sure if it is a permanent bench or not at this point. I just know right now I can’t do it. I used to hesitate about adopting because I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted the whole experience. Now pregnancy no longer holds wonder and joy for me. It will be nothing but terror and anxiety. And I am not sure that I want it anymore.

Sorry for the bummer post on the weekend that it supposed to be all about gratitude. All I can do is hope that next year my story is a happier one, even though I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.

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Filed under Betas, Depression, Infertility, PCOS, Pregnancy, RPL, Sickness

Waiting

Thank you to everyone’s comments on my last post. Yes, right now hope is looking pretty slim. Not that I really had a lot of hope about the whole thing, but you know what I mean. It has been interesting. After my post I had a couple of hours where I was spotting dark red/brown blood. That started to taper off and throughout yesterday it was exclusively brown. However during the brown I also passed a decent sized clot (also brown). The brown continued throughout the day yesterday. So far this morning…no spotting at all.

But let’s get real. That does not changes things. It just prolongs them. With as much as I’m spotting and with the clot, this pregnancy is not going to work. And truthfully…I’m okay. My awesome coping mechanisms continue to work. Am I disappointed that I am here again? Yes. Am I sad that it is looking less and less likely that my body will be able to carry a baby to term? Yes. But I know who I am. I know what my relationship is. And I know we will have a family. I wish I could tell myself when or how but that is the hard part.

I got the chance to meet up again with Tami yesterday. I can’t tell you how much I love this girl. I am so incredibly grateful for her friendship through all of this. We sat and talked for hours. We laughed, we cried, we shared our fears and our hopes. I told her one of the ways I’m dealing with this is by repeating words about serenity that people use while in AA.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I know in my heart that I did everything right. I took all my vitamins. Folic acid, baby aspirin, viatmin D, pre-natals. I injected myself daily with a blood thinner. I took progesterone twice a day*. I did everything a good pregnant person should do. So when this pregnancy fails I know it is not due to my shortcomings. Its biology. Something is wrong in my body and I desperately wish they could figure out what. But I know that if positive thoughts and good intentions created a healthy pregnancy and baby, we’d all have a dozen babies in our homes right now. Unfortunately the world does not work that way though.

In the meantime this pregnancy joins the ranks of numbers 1 and 3. Pregnancies that I am sad I have lost, yet for me none of these have made the impact of #2. MB. My boy. He is the one I still mourn today. Maybe that is heartless considering I technically am pregnant still with a different embryo. But when I think of loss I think of him. That is what I lost this year. The others…well maybe they are just pushing me in a different direction. For now though we wait. We wait to move on, even if we are unsure what the future holds.

 

*Yes I am still taking all my vitamins and injections. I will not cease until the miscarriage is confirmed even though I believe it to be inevitable.

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Filed under Depression, First Trimester, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, RPL