Category Archives: questions

Sanity has been restored

A HUGE thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I was desperate, sleep deprived, and starving for a bit of support and you guys made me feel so loved. I really miss being active in this community so I may need to rethink how I’ve been doing things. But more about that later.

After reading all your advice I finally decided to put aside my pride and look into some of the products being recommended to me. I’ll admit I was stubborn and was so sure that I wouldn’t need to use any of these new contraptions to help my child sleep but I fully admit I was wrong. After doing my research I settled on what came most highly recommended: Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit. Yup, the marshmallow man suit was what I yearned for. I got lucky and was able to get in contact with a woman who was selling one for cheap as her son used it only twice and hated it.

Best. Decision. Ever.

I was really nervous about it thinking it couldn’t possibly work as good as everyone said. So that night after it had been purchased, I wiggled Muppet into her Michelin Man suit and J and I cracked up laughing. She looked so ridiculous! She is the type of baby that like to be laughed at so she immediately started laughing along with us. Good times. I put her down with a prayer and left the room.

That night was the first night in weeks that she didn’t fuss during the night other than her 2 night feeds. It was also the first night in weeks that she slept in her own bed all night. AMAZING. The next night was even better when she dropped her 2nd feed. Now she is sleeping from 9pm-7:30am with 1 feed at 3am. If she does start to fuss I just have to stick her binky in her mouth and she immediately falls back asleep. I’m a believer folks.

She wakes up happy and well rested which equals a very happy Mama.

So again thank you for the help. You guys rock my socks. But I am going to ask another sleep related question. I’ve always been the type to follow Muppet’s sleep ques and let her nap when she wants to nap. But now as she is getting older I’m starting to realize her naps are kinda messed up. She naps 5-6 times a day for 30-45 minutes. I’m wanting to get her into a set schedule of fewer, but long naps a day. So I think I’m going to start putting her in the sleep suit for naps as well (she has never been swaddled or anything for naps). Any thoughts or tips on how to make this work?

I’ll leave you with favorite photo of mine taken from a photo shoot we did over the holidays. This is my happy well rested girl!

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15 Comments

Filed under Baby Girl, Motherhood, questions, Sleep training, Stay At Home Mom

Do infertility blogs have an expiration date?

This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot lately. For the most part I feel that the ALI community has generations of sorts. When we start out we find blogs that are roughly around the same part of the process that we are, or who are also starting to navigate the waters of blogging. We band together and form attachments to these people. We follow each other’s stories with hopeful hearts and understanding spirits. But along the way something starts to change…people start to resolve.

All those who struggle with infertility eventually resolve. Some will have their miracle babies, some will turn to adoption, some may even choose to live child-free. But we all do it. We find a way to move on with our lives and create a universe where our infertility no longer defines us.

So then what happens to our blogs? In all honesty I know very few blogs that have managed to resolve while still remaining true to its infertility roots. The two main things I see happen are 1) they step away from their blogs and stop writing once they resolve; or 2) they become mommy bloggers.

Let me state for the record: I do not see anything wrong with either of these options. Trust me, I can imagine how hard it would be to write about the woes of infertility while your adorable baby is sleeping soundly next to you. I also know how much joy it would be to write about that child that you worked so hard to bring into your life. Who doesn’t want to both brag about your baby and also describe the more difficult aspects of motherhood? I get that.

I also understand those who decide to walk away from their blogs once they have resolved. For those who decide to live child-free I can imagine it is because the blog would be a constant reminder of what you have had to endure. It is not easy to move on when something that big is still staring you in the face. For those who have children, you may feel as though you are no longer part of the community or that you are being insensitive to others who are still in the trenches.

I know for me personally, as a blogger who is pursuing adoption, I find myself in a difficult position in the infertility community. Because yes, I am still infertile. And yes, I am still trying to bring a baby into my home. But it is a very different path, one that I don’t see many bloggers follow.

My generation of the community has grown up. The women whose blogs I still read have all found a way to their babies. Only 1 has not become pregnant or given birth, although for now she is building a new life for herself and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I still follow every single blog. I read all the birth stories, the pregnancy fears, the sleep training, and breast-feeding dramas. I still care deeply about every single one of these women who have made such a deep impact on my life the past 2 years. I beam with joy at every safe delivery and reach of viability. Because you all deserve this happiness. More than anyone.

But I’m still here. I know I’m closer now than I have ever been, but I’m still not there. This Mother’s Day was probably one of the most difficult days of my life (other than my miscarriages of course). It was worse than MB’s due date believe it or not. Maybe because on MB’s day it was not in my face, however with Mother’s Day it was all anyone talked about. I fought tears all day long thinking how unfair it was that I didn’t get to hold my babies on that day. J was super sweet though, and brought me home some flowers. He said to me “Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for being so good to our babies.” Which of course made me feel incredibly lucky and incredibly guilty at the same time.

But I digress. My main point is, it seems to me there comes a point for all of us where we have to make big decisions about where our blog is headed. I have felt myself already starting to pull away from this space, though it has been a unconcious decision. I haven’t meant to go so long between posts, but I feel as though there is not much for me to say. Adoption is so different from cycling. There is no constant change or revelations made. It is mostly just waiting.

I hate to jump to conclusions and say that once we have a baby in our home that I will stop blogging, because this space has been such a source of comfort and strength for me over the years, but at the same time I don’t know if I can imagine posting a lot of information about our child. Especially given how adoptions can be a little tricky to navigate in that area.

So for those of you who have resolved – How did you make the decision to either keep blogging or step away?

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11 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On, questions

Unexpected

Easter was a calm one at our house. Having no family around makes for peaceful holidays. It times like that make me so excited for kids so that we can start our own family traditions. We mostly hung out and then spent a little time with friends in the evening. We were surprise when the Easter Bunny sent us a rather interesting Easter Egg before bed.

My brother-in-law’s wife is originally from China and she is currently over there spending time with her family. One of her neighbors is currently 5 months pregnant with their 2nd child, however China has a 1 child law. You are able to have another child, however you have to pay very high fees and taxes. The couple has decided that if the child is a girl they will be giving her up for adoption. So they e-mailed us and asked us if we are interested in taking her.

The catch is, because of the very high abortion rates for female fetus’, they do not tell parents the sex of the baby until birth. If it is a boy, they will be raising the baby.

J and I talked about it and both came to the decision that if the child is a girl, we want to adopt her. However we are not willing to stop the adoption process we already have going, in case the baby ends up being a boy. So we will continue with our domestic adoption and will most like adopt and African-American baby this summer. In July the child in China will be born and if it does end up being a girl we will take her too.

Yeah.

So now I have so much research and things to figure out. I don’t know if we can convert our current home study to include international adoption as well as domestic. I also need to find out how China’s laws work if the birth parents designate the adoptive parents. I’m assuming we would still not be able to bring her home immediately and would be subject to a waiting period, however we are lucky because J’s brother and his wife will be over in China and could foster her for us (or if they won’t let them foster, they could at least check in on her and make sure she is okay). The cost is also a big factor, we are hoping since we would be chosen by the birth parents that would cut down some expenses. It will also be a determining factor depending on what will happen with our home study.

So much information I feel like my brain is going to explode.

This by far is in no-way a done deal. There is too much to figure out, too much that could go wrong. However, we can’t help but feel excited about the prospect of having 2 babies this year, most likely within weeks of each other. It would not be without its difficulties but I also have the image of a little black boy and a little asian girl holding hands on their way to the first day of kindergarten. Brother and sister in a unique family. How amazing it would be.

If anyone has ever adopted from China I’d really appreciate any advice or in-sight as to how the system works. I’m absolutely clueless. Now I’m off to send about a million e-mails to see if there is a chance that this special Easter Egg can hatch into reality.

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16 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Home Study, questions, Trans-racial adoption

Period woes

I know you all were SO hoping that I’d post about my period. I mean who doesn’t want to hear about it? Well today my friends, you are in luck. Because I feel like my body is beyond screwed up right now and I need advice. Be warned…I spare no details.

My biggest concern is the amount of spotting that I am having before my period actually starts. I spotted dark brown for almost a week before red blood appeared. It’s not just when I wipe either…its quite a bit. Dark brown sludge. Did I just activate your gag reflex? Sorry.

I’m not sure if this is due to the pool of blood that my OB found in my uterus after my chemical or not. I was given Methergine to clear it out, but I never cramped or spotted with that. So I’m not sure if it just hung around and then cleared out when my period was due to start or if this is something else entirely.

I’m concerned because I have always heard that healthy periods do not have dark brown spotting. They are supposed to start out light, get heavier, and then taper off. All with red. And right now I NEED my body to be healthy. I have too much else against me.

So my question is has anyone every experienced something like this after a chemical? Is there anything I can do to help encourage my cycle to have less spotting?

In other new my big box of needles arrived today. The fun should begin in about 10 days. Oh joy.

14 Comments

Filed under Infertility, Just my luck, PCOS, questions

I have a bad case of word vomit

Seriously, it is kinda out of control. Lately I’ve found myself coming up with anyway possible to talk about my infertility / miscarriages. Absolute strangers are now hearing about my TTC woes and I’m at a stage where I just don’t care how uncomfortable I am making them. They WILL listen to me talk about my babies, whether they like it or not.

It just comes out of my mouth, it is uncontrollable. It is like Lindsay Lohan (Cady) said in “Mean Girls”:

I was a woman possessed. I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina. And the other percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more.

This is me and my IF. I want to talk about it non-stop and when I am not talking about it I am hoping someone will say something that will allow me to start talking about it again. Today I was getting eyelash extensions (LOVE THEM!) and I kept hoping that this lady, whom I had never met before, would ask me about the small birthstones that now live around my throat. Why do I feel the need to share these very personal moments with everyone I make eye contact with?

Let me state something for the record: I am all about being open about miscarriage. I hate that so many people feel the need to hide it like it is a dirty secret. unfortunately it is a fact of life. 40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage although  a lot of them are so early that they are not even recognized. Society is shockingly uneducated about miscarriage and infertility, and I for one refuse to act like it is something shameful.

That being said, I really don’t think that grocery store lady who is checking me out needs to hear about my miscarriages. That just makes me seem really crazy. Which I am, but why let the world know that? I know Tami has kinda been going through the same thing lately so I wonder if it is part of the grieving process? Has anyone else felt the need to tell anyone you come in contact with about your infertility?

I think part of it for me is that it makes my babies feel more real. Like they were actual children that I loved and very much wanted, rather than just a second line on a pee stick or a grainy image on an ultrasound machine. They were MY babies. So why not talk about them?

I just wish I could find a more appropriate outlet for it though. At the rate I’m going there will be a commercial of me during Monday Night Football letting the world know just how infertile I really am. I might start working on a dance routine for it…

15 Comments

Filed under BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, questions

Sometimes life kicks you when you are down

Fair warning: This post may be hard to read for someone struggling to get pregnant. If you feel like you are going to be offended by my bitching you might want to skip this one. If you do read it, please try to understand my perspective.

On Friday I came home from work and found some blood in my panties. Based on my signs and symptoms I am 95% sure that I ovulated around the 28th or 29th of August. So seeing the blood made me panic that the D&C had messed with my luteal phase since I was only maybe 9DPO. I brushed away the worries and tried to concentrate on the fact that at least I had gotten my period and that my body seemed to still be working properly. But still I felt uneasy about the whole thing. So I pulled out my thermometer the next morning to take my temperature. Still high. My temp always drops the day before my period. So I got up at 5:30am to go check what was going on. Hardly any blood on the tampon. No cramps. No bleeding when I wiped. This was starting to feel very familiar…very similar to my first miscarriage.

Throughout the day yesterday I tried to not worry about it. Breakthrough bleeding isn’t that uncommon after a D&C. I’m sure it was just my out-of-whack hormones and that my real period would start right on time. During the day the bleeding started picking up again, not enough to be considered a period, just present when I wiped. Bright red blood with stringy tissue bits. Finally I got the guts up and took a pregnancy test.

You guessed it…it was positive.

Please no one congratulate me. I am no longer the delusional girl I used to be and I am very aware of the fact that this is NOT a healthy pregnancy. The bleeding has now become heavier, I am now having to wear a light pad. My temp was high again this morning though I haven’t dared to take another test. No need to torture myself anymore than I already am.

The thing that absolutely kills me is this is the ONE month in 2 years that I didn’t want to see that second line. As I was waiting for the test dye to spread I thought over and over “please be a bfn”. Nope, the universe doesn’t work that way for me. And even better, I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex before I left of vacation and have quite a few fingers left over. More than I used in fact. The number of times we had sex kinda near an ovulation window…one. ONE. For a damn year we were having sex everyday near ovulation and NOTHING HAPPENED. Why of all the months does this have to happen?

I’m guessing this is considered a chemical pregnancy. I mean based on when I ovulated I would not even be 4 weeks. So I don’t know what to do with this new information. Do I call my doctor? I do not want to run betas. In my mind this is already over. Do I just keep temping and wait for my temp to drop so we can start trying again? When will CD 1 be since I am already bleeding?

The thought entered my mind that this is left over from my previous pregnancy but I feel like that is unlikely. I am 95% sure I ovulated. I’m so frustrated. I mean does this count as my 3rd miscarriage in 6 months? Most people would probably not even know they were pregnant, just having an early light period. But I’ve been dealing with this shit for too long and I knew something was up. So now I’m scared as to what this means. Is this just going to be my life? Getting pregnant easily only to lose it in weeks or in this case days? I don’t know what to do. Someone please tell me what to do.

29 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, questions

Need advice…I’m a mess.

Okay so I’m not sure why but I’m having a minor freak-out. All of the sudden I am really questioning the decision to get on birth control this month. I have taken 5 days worth so far. My fear is coming from the fact that I spent the whole first year of us trying to conceive not ovulating without medical intervention. Since my surgery in January I have ovulated every month. I’m scared that the birth control is going to interfere with that. I know my doctor said it wouldn’t, but I am seriously worried sick right now. He prescribed me Lo Loestrin Fe. I looked online and it is a birth control pill that contains both estrogen and progesterone so it does stop ovulation while you are on it.

What do I do? Do I trust the doctor and pray I ovulate next month? Will I be screwed up anyways because of the pills I’ve already taken? I just started bleeding from the D&C on Thursday so I’m wondering if I can still stop taking them and not have it screw me up too much. Help guys, I’m a wreck!

14 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, PCOS, questions