Category Archives: RPL

Faith

I don’t know how much I’ve written on this blog about religion. I try to stay away from topics like that because to me faith is a very personal thing. I’m writing this because God has been on my mind a lot lately and I really feel the need to let some things out. I should probably be doing this with a therapist but figured a couple hundred internet strangers will work!

Both J and I were raised LDS (mormon). Yup, one of those ‘weirdos’. Despite what some may think it is not a cult, and for the most part the church is made up of really wonderful people. There are things that I very much disagree with that the church teaches, but there are also some things that I really like. Despite that both of us have distanced ourselves from the religion and do not actively practice any organized faith. I’ve maintained a belief in God since distancing myself from the church. I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you are a good person and try your best in this life, that you do not necessarily need to be a part of a church in order to please God. My God is a loving God. Not one to be fearful of.

I was raised with the idea that we are all give ‘trials’ in this life. That we will struggle and that by overcoming these struggles we will become stronger and better people. I was told that God would never give us a trial that we were not able to overcome. That right there is where I lost my faith.

I’ve only ever wanted to be a mother. I never had plans of college or career. I was going to be a mom, end of story. Convenient then that my trial in life seem to be infertility. Infertility killed my relationship with God. If He thought I could overcome this and become a better person than He was wrong. I’ve come a long way with accepting my situation since Muppet was born. But I am far from over it. I don’t think I ever will be. The bitterness resides within me and every so often it bubbles over, despite how hard I try to suppress it. And most of that bitterness is directed to God.

WHY did this have to be my trial? Of all the things in the world, why this? Maybe that makes me sound like a horrible person because I know there are a lot worse things out there than not being able to have a child but I can’t help but feel this way. It is the only thing I ever wanted. The only thing I ever asked Him for.

I’m especially bitter about my 2nd pregnancy. The other 3 were hard to lose, it is never easy to lose something you want so desperately. But I lost them early, early enough that I hadn’t become too attached. I still was able to maintain some sanity afterwards. But that 2nd one. It still hurts. I saw that heartbeat THREE times. If He was going to take my baby away from me why did He leave it long enough for me to see that? Why did He let me come to love that baby so much? I still have my ultrasound pictures. They are tucked away in a drawer and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them away. I don’t think I let on to anyone how much that loss damaged me, even you guys. There was a very real time that I was suicidal. I was so hurt that I just wanted it to end. I thought it would be better for J, he could find someone else that wasn’t so broken. I don’t really know how I over came that, but I did. I now realize how scary my life was back then. I should have reached out to someone but I didn’t.

We had some missionaries from the church visit us this week. They are nice boys and we hold no grudge towards the church so we always let them in to chat. During our discussion they talked about answered prayers and the whole time all I could think about was all the nights I spent on my knees praying that my baby would survive. Obviously those prayers went very much unanswered. It almost made me mad at these two boys. I know that they are young and that their life experience is rather limited so I didn’t mention my anger. I know they wouldn’t have the answers for me anyways and it wasn’t their fault. They are just doing what they believe is right. But ever since they left I can’t shake all these thoughts that are running through my head.

I hate living with this hanging over my head. I can feel the bitterness inside me and it almost disturbs me. I am not an angry or vengeful person by nature. I like to think the best of people and the world. But the longer this goes on the more I question if I will ever be able to get past it. For some people living without faith might not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. It scares me more than I think I’m willing to admit out loud. It has always been a part of who I am and even though I have distanced myself from organized religion, my faith has always been something that I have used to help guide me through life. I want Muppet to have a belief system. I don’t care which one, she is free to choose, but I want her to believe in something. Right now I feel like I can’t expect that of her though, because I’m not sure if I believe anymore. I want to get past this, but I just don’t think I’m strong enough.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, RPL

Somewhere in between

This past Sunday was Bereaved Mother’s Day. This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. Where does one fit when you feel the need to honor both? Everyone has been saying to me this year “You finally get to celebrate a Mother’s Day!”. But in my hearth I’ve been a mother much longer than Muppet has been in my life. Having a baby in no way erases the pain of the babies that you have lost.

I remember so clearly how I spent Mother’s Day last year. I was mourning my 4 lost babies while waiting to complete our home study and feeling like it would never be finished. I was working at the salon and spent the entire day literally holding back tears as almost all my clients that day went on about their plans for the day and asking if I was a mother yet. At one point I had to walk away from a client and go to the back room to regain my composer as it all just became too much. That night when I got home, my sweet husband presented me with a bouquet of flowers and said “Thank you for being so good to our babies”. While this gesture was greatly appreciated, this finally broke down the bridge of emotion that I had managed to hold together all day. I sat and sobbed thinking that I hadn’t been good to our babies, if I had we would have them in our arms and not be in the position we were in.

This year I don’t really know how to feel. I still miss our babies, more than I can say. But at the same time I have a very live baby in my arms whom I love more than life itself. But I feel like I can’t fully enjoy Mother’s Day. I want to feel like a “normal” mom. Like I can celebrate my motherhood without dragging my piles of baggage around with me. I just don’t know how to do it though.

I feel as though I am stuck between two worlds: One where infertility and loss rule my life. One where I am an overjoyed new mom with no cares in the world other than her daughter. How do I find a balance? As much as the losses pain me, I don’t want to “get over” them. I don’t want to ever forget where I have come from or what the cost was to get Muppet. But I want to enjoy this time, the time where my baby is growing and thriving.

I can only hope in time that I will be able to join my two worlds. This year I honor both Mother’s days. One for the 4 babies I lost and one for the baby who is currently climbing all over me.

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Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, RPL, Stay At Home Mom

What the future holds

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of infertile bloggers who have found their way to their babies have come to a brave decision. That once they get that long-awaited baby, they were done. They have their babies, whether singletons or twins, and call it quits because who wants to go through that mess again? We are lucky to get our babies.

I desperately wish sometimes that I could reach the same conclusion. But J and I are in agreement that our family is not complete and we really don’t want Muppet to be an only child. There is nothing wrong with this at all, both of us just grew up with a lot of siblings so to us that idea is totally foreign. But I can’t shake the idea that we are not done.

As I mentioned in my last post, J and I have been thinking a lot about how we want to continue to build our family now that Muppet is here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year what our plans were I would have answered firmly and quickly. We would adopt two children and consider ourselves very blessed. Done. Story over.

During this time J agreed with my plan, except he would always sneak in that we could try for a third child naturally. I politely nodded my head and told him “Yeah, maybe.” All the while thinking that there was no way in hell that I would ever try to conceive again. I figured after we had adopted our second child I would find a way to tell him that I just couldn’t go through it again. We would have our family and all would be well.

Enter Muppet. This amazing little girl has changed my life, but she has also done something I never thought possible…she makes me want to have a baby.

Crazy no? I have no idea where this feeling comes from. I was sure about never getting pregnant again, there was not a shred of doubt. So why all the sudden do I want it again?

I don’t know. Typing it out makes me feel really crazy. I just can’t shake the feeling though. I know I’d have to go into it with a very different mindset, a very depressing one. I’d have to go into it knowing that I will likely have more miscarriages. I’d have to be detached. How horrible is that?

I’m not ready now. No way. I’m still too damaged. Plus I’m soaking up all the precious moments I have with Muppet. I refuse to remember the first portion of her life being tainted with my losses. I want to remember all these moments with her in complete joy. She is growing so fast, I already miss the little baby I brought home from the hospital. But I smell her head, touch her soft skin, and I know that she won’t be my only baby.

I’m so grateful for adoption. It has blessed my life so much and I truly can’t imagine life without Muppet. I know without a shred of doubt that she was always meant to be my child. I had to go through a hell of a lot to get her, but it was always supposed to be her. But now I feel like maybe there is another baby that I’m supposed to have as well and maybe, just maybe, that child is supposed to be carried by me.

We could do another adoption. It is always an option. I have just a few hesitancies, the big one being the money. It is incredibly expensive. I know we would only be able to do one more at most. The other is the idea of having two birth moms is a little overwhelming. I love A. She gave me the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me, but that doesn’t make the situation easy.

It will be awhile till I make any final decision, but as of right now I know what I want. I want something I never thought I would want again. And that really scares me.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy, RPL

Where to go from here

I’ve been having a really hard time with this space lately. Over the past 2 years this blog has been a source of comfort and strength for me, it has been here during the hardest moments of my life as a place where I could truly be myself. Once upon a time I posted because I wanted to. But now, I post because I feel I have to.

Honestly I think what is hard for me is seeing this space, which was once a place filled with the bitter reality of what it is like to go through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, become a mommy blog.

There is NOTHING wrong with mommy blogs. I have another blog where I do post pretty much all things Muppet. But I feel like by doing that here I am taking away the essence of what this blog has been for me. Yes, it shows that dreams do come true, but it also can mask what it takes to reach those dreams. And one thing that is very important for me is to never forget where I came from. Infertility leaves a scar, and I don’t want to cover mine up.

So what am I saying? That I will never post here? No. Hardly. Because the reality for me is…I’m not done. J and I have talked extensively about the subject and as crazy as it seems…we want to try again. Not now. Right now I am enjoying the time I have with my sweet Muppet, but in my heart I know our family is not complete. Another adoption is still on the table, but honestly I don’t know if we could afford it. Financially or emotionally. I will write post about this another day though.

For now what I am saying is posts might be sparse. Because I need this to be a space dedicated to the cruel reality of building a family and all the pain that goes with it when dealing with infertility. So there will be posts, just not ones dedicated to my girl.

That being said there are a lot of you who have stuck with me through the past few years and that I know care about Muppet. So like I said, I do have another blog. However it is a very open blog with all my personal information in it. So I do want to be cautious with it. So if you want the link you can click on the About Me tab above. There is a contact form to fill out where you can request the link. ***PLEASE don’t be offended if you do not receive a response. I really didn’t even know how to post this here because I won’t be giving it out to everyone. But I also don’t know how else to go about this. This is a very personal blog so if I really don’t know you I hesitate to give it out. But a lot of you I do know. And you are all near and dear to my heart so I’d like to extend an invite to the blog if you’d like to follow along.

In short, I’ve come a long way in 2 years but now times are changing, and I need to do what I feel most comfortable with at this time. So stick around if you’d like, there will be posts and maybe even small updates on Muppet. But I know that for now a little break is needed.

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Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On, RPL

I’m a lying liar that lies.

Hair stylists are much more than someone who just cuts your hair. Often times we play the psuedo-therapist. We hear all about your life, family, problems and much more. The problem is when the questions then turn on us. For the most part I try to keep my personal life out of conversations when I am with a client. I ask them questions about themselves and try to learn more about them while keeping myself out of the line of fire. But there is one questions that I can’t seem to avoid. “So do you have kids?”

It must be because people see my wedding ring while they are watching me cut their hair, but that is almost always the first question I get. Now you all know that I have no problem sharing my reproductive woes, hell if you meet me on the street and we strike up a conversation there is a good chance you will hear all about my uterus and it’s inability to procreate. But with this new job I’m trying to give myself a clean slate and of course trying to avoid my clients thinking I’m some psychotic girl who talks about her reproductive organs to strangers, because let’s face it, I want them to keep coming to me so I can make money.

No one at my job knows about our issues, this is the first time in almost 2 years that this has been the case. I haven’t brought up kids, adoption, or anything of the sort to anyone I work with. But that damn questions feels like a punch in the gut every single time. I try to keep it simple by saying “No” or “Not yet”. If they press on I tell them we are thinking about it as if it hasn’t been all of thought about every minute of every day for the last 2 years. They usually ask how long I’ve been married, I tell them and they say something along the lines of “Oh you still have plenty of time” or “Enjoy it while it lasts!”. At this point I have to resist the urge to cut a few special designs of my own making on the back of their scalp.

Again, they don’t know what we’ve gone through, or just how broken of a person I really am. So it isn’t fair to be upset by these comments. It’s more about how I feel like I’m denying that my babies were ever a part of me. I hate acting like they never existed. They did. They are so deeply engraved on my heart that at times I feel as though it is going to burst from missing them so much. I also worry that when we do finally bring a baby into our home that I won’t have enough room in my heart for them. What if part of me will be forever in mourning for the babes that I never got a chance to know? I just hate this. It’s not fair that I don’t get to brag about my babies but instead I hide them away so that I don’t make things “awkward” for people.

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming up April 21st-27th and I for one plan on making a statement about it. Keiko over at The Infertility Voice made some awesome Facebook cover photos to show that infertility is a much bigger problem than most people realize. I will be posting one as well as coming clean about what we have been through. Most of my friends probably know as when we did the fundraiser to help with our adoption we were very honest about everything, however I want to stand up and stop hiding this part of me away. I know there are so many women (and men) out there that are struggling but too afraid to reach out. Instead we remain silent while secretly crying over every pregnancy announcement on Facebook. If I can get even 1 of my fertile friends to maybe second guess posting an ultrasound picture or refrain from posting how hard pregnancy is for them then I will feel as though I accomplished something.

In the mean time, unfortunately, I will have to keep up the facade of “thinking about” starting a family at work. I’m not ready for my co-workers to know about this, especially since I’m still not out of my 90 day probation period and the last thing I need is for them to feel like I’m going to be leaving for maternity leave soon (which is entirely possible). I’ll tell them, but not until our home study is done and I feel a little more secure in my position.

So does anyone have any helpful hints on how I can refrain from balding my clients? Maybe I need anger management classes…

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Moving On, People suck, RPL

Misdirected Anger

I have this friend, who has been my best friend since our junior year of high school. We were extremely close when we still lived in the same state. I was there for her during the most difficult time of her life, her first husband and subsequent divorce from him. I never like the guy and even told her not to marry him only days before her wedding. But I was her friend and when she decided to go ahead with the marriage I supported her unconditionally. For 5 years I listened to her cry about him. I was there when her daughter was born and she thought that would change him. I helped her see that both her and her daughter deserved better.

She finally left him and ended up remarrying last year. When we moved out to California naturally we drifted apart, but we still tried to stay in contact through texts and calls. Every time I went home I would make an effort to see her. But ever since her wedding contact has become almost non-existent.

She knew about our struggles to conceive. She also knew about my first miscarriage. She did her best to be there for me, but she will never understand all my emotions as she conceived her daughter the first month she tried and had a stress free pregnancy. Still, she tried.

We went back home for a visit last July when I was pregnant with MB. We made plans to meet up but it was towards the end of our vacation. By that time we had told all our family and a few close friends about the pregnancy, but as we prepared to go over to her house I started feeling uneasy. That sinking pit in the bottom of my stomach was there and I couldn’t shake it. So I didn’t tell her. 2 days later I found out my precious baby had died.

I have not seen her since. After that evening there were no phone calls or texts. I know that communication and friendship is a two-way street…but I was heartbroken. What was I supposed to do? Call her up and say “Oh hey, you know that night we were over? Well I was almost 10 weeks pregnant and I didn’t tell you. But it doesn’t matter because the baby died”. I just couldn’t do it.

I waited for her to text me to check in like she usually does, but the text never came. I became more and more bitter that my best friend had NO idea what was going on.Then I lost my third. And then my forth. Finally almost 6 months had passed and I still had not spoken to her. What did break the silence was when J posted on Facebook that I had just had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. She sent me a text asking if I was okay. We made small talk but avoided the pregnancy. She asked if she could see me while I was in town and I said  yes and to let me know when she was free. We were there almost 2 weeks, but she did not contact me till 2 days before I was supposed to leave. By then I already had plans with my family and had to tell her I wouldn’t be able to see her.

I could tell she was hurt, but honestly at this point I was fuming. I was so mad that she waited till the last-minute to try to get together. I was mad that she had no idea what had gone on in my life since our last meeting. I was just so mad. I sent her a message saying that I was sorry that I wouldn’t get to see her but that I was in a really dark place and a lot was going on that she didn’t know about. I thought this might open up the doors a bit, that she might ask what happened because she was my friend and she loves me. But she didn’t. Instead I got a short message saying she was sorry too and we’d have to get together next time. We haven’t spoken since.

I know I should not be angry at her. After all if she did know what was going on she would probably do whatever she could to help me. She is a wonderful person and I know she loves me. But I can’t help but feel so angry with her for not knowing. I feel like she got her happy ending with her daughter, her step-son and her new husband. I’m just waiting for the day she announces she is pregnant. So now she doesn’t need me as a shoulder to cry on. Meanwhile I’m going through hell…and she is clueless.

Again, I know this not her fault. Even as I type this I know this reads a lot worse than it really is. We are grown women and both have very busy lives. It is natural to grow apart, especially when you live states away from one another.

So how do I let go of this anger?

I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to just call her up and tell her what has been going on. I’m not sure why because I’ll tell anyone my history even if they don’t want to hear it, but with her it feels like admitting something shameful and weak. I just can’t do it.  But I also know that as long as she doesn’t know, I’ll never be able to pretend like our friendship is everything it used to be.

I’ve never had a lot of close friends. Now I feel like the one who has always been the one to stick around is moving on and leaving me in the shadows. Just like everyone else.

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Acceptance

This weekend we headed out-of-town to attend J’s best friend’s wedding. This guy was J’s best man at our wedding and is near and dear to my heart. It was so exciting to be able to be there for a moment he has been waiting for, for a very long time.

I knew this weekend would not be without its struggles though. The groom’s sister actually married another one of J’s high school friends and they recently announced that they are pregnant with their second. When we started trying she was 4 months pregnant with her first so this stings quite the bit. Not to mention I have some other issue with them, but I’m not going to get into that. Basically I just knew that having to see them all weekend was going to be very hard.

At the rehearsal dinner we ended up sitting with the groom and his family. I kid you not when I say 75% of the conversation that night was directed to pregnancy or babies. At one point his other sister even mentioned a lady she knew that had several miscarriages. The entire time I sat stoned faced at the table feeling awkward, hurt, and emotional. It took all my strength not to get up from the table, which I didn’t want to do because I have never met these people and didn’t want to cause drama or distress to our friends evening.

What really told me that I had not imagined how horrible though, was when J came up to me after the dinner and asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine, that the situation was just hard. He said “Until tonight I have never really understood how hard this is for you. I just want you to know that when we get home I support you 100%.” This meant more to me than anything in the world.

He has never not supported me, but we have had to make some decisions lately and they have been hard on him for other reasons. We’ve kinda had to take things slow, in order to make it so that he could deal. So for him to say he is 100% in was a huge weight off my shoulders.

The other thing that was hard was at the wedding we were talking to these friends who are expecting again and this time they had their  almost 2-year-old with them. I have not seen him since he was a few days old. He was sitting on top of his dad’s shoulders so I walked up just to see him. I gently tickled his hand and said hi when he reached out for me. I took him in my arms where he immediately laid his head on my shoulder and laid on me. For 10 – 15 min. He stayed that way, wide-awake, while I gently rocked back and forth and rubbed his back. This kid who didn’t know me at all came to me so willingly (he would not let J hold him) and nearly broke my heart. He is a sweet kid and I was so happy to hold him, it just made me realize all the more how ready to be a mother I am. I feel as though I am already a mother, just one without  a child.

Today before we left we stopped by to see their new house and again he reached out to me and laid his head on my shoulder. When J tried to hold him it was me he reached out for.

I want a baby. I want MY baby reaching out for me. One that I don’t have to give back. It’s time for us to get serious. Things have been up in the air since the last pregnancy, we’ve been waiting for things to settle down so we could get our lives back. That time has now arrived. Thursday I had my blood drawn and I am officially no longer pregnant. The hormones are gone even though the scars remain. Now we just have stride forward, with no hesitation and no turning back. I think we are finally ready.

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Filed under BABIES!, Betas, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Miscarriage, Moving On, People suck, RPL