I don’t know how much I’ve written on this blog about religion. I try to stay away from topics like that because to me faith is a very personal thing. I’m writing this because God has been on my mind a lot lately and I really feel the need to let some things out. I should probably be doing this with a therapist but figured a couple hundred internet strangers will work!
Both J and I were raised LDS (mormon). Yup, one of those ‘weirdos’. Despite what some may think it is not a cult, and for the most part the church is made up of really wonderful people. There are things that I very much disagree with that the church teaches, but there are also some things that I really like. Despite that both of us have distanced ourselves from the religion and do not actively practice any organized faith. I’ve maintained a belief in God since distancing myself from the church. I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you are a good person and try your best in this life, that you do not necessarily need to be a part of a church in order to please God. My God is a loving God. Not one to be fearful of.
I was raised with the idea that we are all give ‘trials’ in this life. That we will struggle and that by overcoming these struggles we will become stronger and better people. I was told that God would never give us a trial that we were not able to overcome. That right there is where I lost my faith.
I’ve only ever wanted to be a mother. I never had plans of college or career. I was going to be a mom, end of story. Convenient then that my trial in life seem to be infertility. Infertility killed my relationship with God. If He thought I could overcome this and become a better person than He was wrong. I’ve come a long way with accepting my situation since Muppet was born. But I am far from over it. I don’t think I ever will be. The bitterness resides within me and every so often it bubbles over, despite how hard I try to suppress it. And most of that bitterness is directed to God.
WHY did this have to be my trial? Of all the things in the world, why this? Maybe that makes me sound like a horrible person because I know there are a lot worse things out there than not being able to have a child but I can’t help but feel this way. It is the only thing I ever wanted. The only thing I ever asked Him for.
I’m especially bitter about my 2nd pregnancy. The other 3 were hard to lose, it is never easy to lose something you want so desperately. But I lost them early, early enough that I hadn’t become too attached. I still was able to maintain some sanity afterwards. But that 2nd one. It still hurts. I saw that heartbeat THREE times. If He was going to take my baby away from me why did He leave it long enough for me to see that? Why did He let me come to love that baby so much? I still have my ultrasound pictures. They are tucked away in a drawer and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them away. I don’t think I let on to anyone how much that loss damaged me, even you guys. There was a very real time that I was suicidal. I was so hurt that I just wanted it to end. I thought it would be better for J, he could find someone else that wasn’t so broken. I don’t really know how I over came that, but I did. I now realize how scary my life was back then. I should have reached out to someone but I didn’t.
We had some missionaries from the church visit us this week. They are nice boys and we hold no grudge towards the church so we always let them in to chat. During our discussion they talked about answered prayers and the whole time all I could think about was all the nights I spent on my knees praying that my baby would survive. Obviously those prayers went very much unanswered. It almost made me mad at these two boys. I know that they are young and that their life experience is rather limited so I didn’t mention my anger. I know they wouldn’t have the answers for me anyways and it wasn’t their fault. They are just doing what they believe is right. But ever since they left I can’t shake all these thoughts that are running through my head.
I hate living with this hanging over my head. I can feel the bitterness inside me and it almost disturbs me. I am not an angry or vengeful person by nature. I like to think the best of people and the world. But the longer this goes on the more I question if I will ever be able to get past it. For some people living without faith might not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. It scares me more than I think I’m willing to admit out loud. It has always been a part of who I am and even though I have distanced myself from organized religion, my faith has always been something that I have used to help guide me through life. I want Muppet to have a belief system. I don’t care which one, she is free to choose, but I want her to believe in something. Right now I feel like I can’t expect that of her though, because I’m not sure if I believe anymore. I want to get past this, but I just don’t think I’m strong enough.