Category Archives: Sickness

The Growing Pains

Over the past few weeks I’ve had to come to terms with something that I never thought would be so difficult to face: My baby is rapidly becoming a toddler.

I’ve always been a baby person. From the time I was a child I have been obsessed with infants. The way they smell, their tiny little features, the jagged movements of their newly discovered limbs, I love it all. I was also always surrounded by them so it just became a part of my world. I have 3 younger brothers and I am the 2nd oldest grandchild on both sides of my family. I have cousins young enough that they could be Muppet’s siblings. Babies are just a part of my world.

Some people wish they could skip the newborn phase and skip ahead to when children are walking and talking. Not me. If I could time freeze a newborn I think I would be very tempted to do so. Don’t get me wrong, I love toddlers and kids. They are so imaginative and watching them learn and discover the world is incredible. But there is something about snuggling a newborn that is so intoxicating for me.

Muppet is growing up quickly. She will be 9 months on Friday and already has 2 words (Mama and Dog). She crawls faster than I can chase her most of the time and stands up on everything. When she is feeling particularly brave she will take a few tiny steps with her walker. She can stand unassisted for 5-10 seconds. She is becoming extremely independent and will push your hands away if she doesn’t want to be held. She is now a child with her own thoughts and wants.

She still has her moments of ‘baby-ness’. At night before bed she always curls up on my chest and lays there so I can listen to her breath and smell the top of her head. If she falls she immediately crawls over to me for cuddles. Although she is starting to eat a lot of finger food she still is very dependent on her bottle so I get to hold her in my arms and feed her 3-4 hours. I treasure all these moments but there is a part of me that misses the days that I didn’t need these moments in order to snuggle with my baby.

Today she had an allergic reaction (eggs) and it was absolutely terrifying. She broke out in hives and her eyes became swollen and bloodshot. I rushed her to an urgent care and they took good care of her. The reaction never affected her breathing which I am grateful for. We gave her some allergy medication and I watched as she fell asleep in my arms, something that hasn’t happened in a very long time. I’m so grateful for this little girl. If anything ever happened to her I don’t know what I would do, she is my world. So even though I miss her being my teeny tiny baby and sometimes my feelings get a bit hurt when she doesn’t want to sit on my lap, I wouldn’t change a thing about her for the world.

Now she is sleeping soundly in her crib after 2 projectile vomiting incidences. I am emotionally drained, smell faintly of vomit, and incredibly in love with my child. Keep growing my little girl, but maybe try to slow it down just a bit so I can make sure to drink in every moment of your life.

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16 Comments

Filed under Baby Girl, Growing Up, Motherhood, Sickness, Stay At Home Mom

I’m sane again

First of all I hope everyone had a good holiday! I know how difficult this time of year can be for many of us but I hope everyone was able to find a little joy.

Secondly I fully admit I was on a lot of pain killers when I wrote my last post so I am not sure if I made a lot of sense about what happened and the outcome.

Last Friday I went to the ER in severe pain. They did an ultrasound which revealed that I was bleeding internally. From this they figured that the ectopic pregnancy had ruptured my tube. They decided to go in to remove the pregnancy and most likely my tube. They did all this with the approval of my RE. I called him on the way to the ER and after a lot of swearing (because he couldn’t meet us at the hospital due to us being out of the state) he made sure that the doctors in the ER would keep him in the loop about everything.

When they finally got me into surgery they found that my tube was not ruptured like they originally thought, in fact it was fine. What happened was that the Methotrexate did actually work. But when some of the tissue was expelled from my tube a little piece got caught on the end of the tube. I am not sure how or why this happened but the result was a blood clot that formed which was causing me the pain and the internal bleeding. They clipped the blood clot (well as much of it as they could. They had to leave a small piece in order to not touch my tube but they are confident it will go away on its own and not be an issue) and cleared up the blood in my abdomen. They did not have to do any work on my tube and it should be fully functional.

However my surgeon said that my tube is abnormal shaped. From the pictures and what she told us my tube has a loop in it. Almost like a roller coaster loop. Every woman has a 2% chance of an Ectopic Pregnancy. After your first one it jumps up to 10%. The more you have the higher your chances go. She feels that based on my tube shape though, that we have an extremely high chance of another Ectopic and that we should not try naturally to get pregnant again, but do IVF.

This is where I get confused though. I have had another laparoscopic surgery where they did look at my left ovary and tube even though they were working on the right side. I have had a HSG that showed my tubes were normal. I have had 3 other pregnancies that all made it out of the tube of death and into my uterus. So why are we just barely hearing about this apparent looped tube? It makes no sense to me that this would just be revealed after everything we have done. All my images and results are being sent to my RE so I will make an appointment to meet with him and ask all these questions when we get home. I just don’t get it.

Other than that I am healing well. Slow and sore but that just takes time. I’ve developed a few unpleasant side effects from the surgery that I haven’t experienced before including (TMI) a bladder infection and hemorrhoids. FUN! But over all I am doing good. My mind is okay and I know where we are headed. I will post more about that later though. For now I just wanted to clear up a few questions and thank everyone for the kind thoughts, especially all those who send messages checking up on me.

The one good thing is that this happened at my parents house and not at my in-laws. That would have been a whole lot worse. So you know, count the little blessings. Again I hope everyone was able to find a little joy this holiday season. I love you all and am so grateful that I have this community in my life. Happy Holidays!

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P.S. Happy 200th post to me!

7 Comments

Filed under Ectopic, Healing, Just my luck, Miscarriage, On the Road, Sickness

Lost

Yesterday was hard. I knew the upcoming holidays were going to be much more difficult to get through than usual but I wasn’t expecting the gloom that settled over me whenever my mind was not actively engaged in something. It probably didn’t help that the night before Thanksgiving J and I had a huge fight that I still wasn’t over. It didn’t help that I felt nauseous every time I tried to eat, resulting in a pretty lame Thanksgiving meal for me. But most of all it didn’t help that the bleeding truly began.

I’ve been expecting it for days. The spotting has been increasing in intensity and times where it has been bright red. I knew there was no chance of this working out at this point. My last beta number came in at 286. Which was a doubling time of 52 hours. My doctor tried to play it off saying there is still a possibility of this working out. But he was not taking into consideration the amount of spotting I’ve been having. Now there is no doubt. I’m wearing a pad and passing tissue. This is over now I just have to wait for it to all go down.

I’m supposed to go in for a final beta and an ultrasound next Wednesday as I would be 6 weeks. I think I’m going to call Monday and try to cancel the ultrasound though. Really there is no point. Plus I have PTSD regarding that ultrasound room and I don’t need another reason for that to continue. I also really want to stop taking my Lovenox injections. I’ve continued because I felt it was the responsible thing to do but now I just feel like I’m sticking needles in myself for no reason. Thoughts? I’m worried if I stop I’ll feel guilty until we confirm my levels are decreasing.

At least now I know we are done for this year. Possibly done for good. It seem very obvious to me that none of this has been “bad luck”. Something is very wrong with my body. Based on how early I’m losing them I think there is something wrong with implanting. But there isn’t much more we can do to help that. And I don’t know if I can do this again. One thing this pregnancy has really taught me is that I’m not healed. Because the pregnancy that I am mourning right now is not the current one. It’s MBs. He was my fighter, the one who somehow got past the implanting stage and made it. Yet he still died. And the fact that I don’t know why he died hurts so much. Yesterday all I could think about was wishing that I still was pregnant with him so that he could be the thing I was grateful for. I’m still too damaged from his loss to embrace a new pregnancy.

Of course my doctor will bench me for a month, then he will encourage me to try again. Of this I am sure. But I’m benching myself. I’m not sure if it is a permanent bench or not at this point. I just know right now I can’t do it. I used to hesitate about adopting because I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted the whole experience. Now pregnancy no longer holds wonder and joy for me. It will be nothing but terror and anxiety. And I am not sure that I want it anymore.

Sorry for the bummer post on the weekend that it supposed to be all about gratitude. All I can do is hope that next year my story is a happier one, even though I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.

13 Comments

Filed under Betas, Depression, Infertility, PCOS, Pregnancy, RPL, Sickness

I knew I loved Garlic for a reason!

I love garlic. When growing up my mom made well…kinda bland food. Any seasoning she added was mild and she hardly ever used garlic, but when she did it was always garlic powder. J and I love strong flavorful food. So of course we use real fresh chopped garlic and a lot of it! When we visit my parents they never let us cook on Thursday nights because they know we will use a lot of garlic and my mom has choir rehersal those nights and she doesn’t want to stink.

Well you know how I’ve had those earaches that have plagued me since right before I got pregnant? The ones I’ve been on 4 different types of antibiotics for? GARLIC my friends.

I went to an ENT about 2 and a half weeks ago because my throat was hurting so bad I couldn’t sleep because of the post nasal drip running down my throat. He looked in my ears and said they were clear but it did concern him the frequency of when they were happening. He said my nasal passages where inflamed and that is what was causing the post nasal drip. He told me to do something that shocked me…lose the neti pot. GASP! Everyone always raves about neti pots and how amazing they are. I’ve been using mine for many years. But he said that the force of the saline was too strong and could sometimes cause more damage to the inflammation. Instead he had me buy a saline rinse in a squeeze bottle and told me to do it 2-3 times a day along with my nose spray that I’d been neglecting. He said if my ears kept acting up we’d have to do a CAT scan to see what was going on. (Yes I realize I am a physical mess. It sucks.) Worked like a charm. No more sore throat!

I’d been doing pretty good as far as the ear pain staying away for a few weeks until last Tuesday it started up again. My sister-in-law gets stuff like that pretty frequently and recommended that I switch allergy medications. Yes I take an allergy medicine everyday, otherwise my sinus’ rebel. I’d been using A generic for of Claratin and switched to the generic of Zyrtec. Within a few days the pain all went away. Then on Monday it came back. BAD. I knew this time that it was serious because I could not even shut my jaw on the left side, something I’ve experience when I’ve needed a strong anti-biotic. The problem is, at the moment I am not willing to take an anti-biotic. I know they say that it is safe for pregnancy but the fact of the matter is I got on one during the TWW the cycle I got pregnant. I was on 2 different ones during that time. And I miscarried. I am NOT willing to take that chance again.

I did some research and a lot of sites said to try Garlic Oil. I figured…what the hell? So we went and bought some. Smells foul but works like a charm. I put 3 drops in my ear with the dropper and then cover my ear with a cotton ball. I did the a few times during the day then right before bed where I laid on the opposite side so it really got in there good. 2 days later I have absolutely no ear pain and my jaw is back in commission. All without an anti-biotic. I ❤ Garlic.

10 DPO today and not feeling uber confident. I wish I was. I keep molesting my breasts to see if they are sore but they are not. I keep checking my chest, back, and face for a major breakout but only the norm for now. My temp is still high and so far no spotting that proceeds my period but I’m not due till Sunday.

In the meantime send some love to Tami. She got her BFP on Saturday but is very nervous about the low beta. I love this girl and am hoping for a good outcome for her with all my heart. If you have a minute stop by and show some support.

11 Comments

Filed under It's not always about me, Miscarriage, Sickness, TWW

Pretty over this

My body hates me. Seriously, it seems to formulate plans on how to bring out the highest amount of misery in my life. Maybe it is trying to get back at me for all the Twinkies and hoho’s from my youth.

This weeks torture: Nausea.

Like, serious nausea. Ever since I had sun poisioning last week I have been nauseous. There have been days that I have had to take some left over anti-nausea medication from my surgery even. It’s ridiculous. But worse…it’s messing with my mind. Because the truth is I should be feeling sick, but I should also be 9 weeks pregnant today which I most definitely am not.

If I didn’t know for a fact that my HCG last Tuesday was at a 3 and my progesterone at .10 then I really would think I’m pregnant. I’m sick, exhausted, and TMI but all of a sudden I have more CM then I’ve ever had. My body is so confused.

The other thought I had was that maybe I was about to ovulate, but my doctor said that after a miscarriage your body will not start the ovulation process till your HCG is less than 5. On Monday April 30th my HCG was 24. So even if it was completely gone by the next day at the most I am on CD 14 today (doubtful) which the earliest I’ve ever ovulated was CD 19. Plus this stuff has been going on for a week. I am somewhat tempted to break out my thermometer and chart just to see if I do ovulate this cycle, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to actually do it.

I’m in a bit of a dour mood lately. It’s been confusing because up until this week I was doing so well dealing with everything. But I have a theory about what is going on. About 2 years ago a good friend of mine got pregnant. She had been taking anxiety/depression medication but quit cold turkey as soon as she found out. I was a bit worried about it because I know how hard it is to stop taking meds like that suddenly. But she did great, she sailed through her pregnancy and only recently just got back on her medication (her daughter is almost 1).

During that time she had spoken to her doctor about everything and he seemed to think that sometimes pregnancy hormones cause an increase in serotonin, making you feel happier and less anxious. In some cases this makes the need for medication unnecessary during pregnancy and while breastfeeding.

I also got off my medication as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I felt great. I was happier than ever (obviously being pregnant was part of that) and felt no need for medication at all. Even after I knew it was over I still felt good about everything. The thing is up until last week I still had pregnancy hormones in me, now I don’t. Now I’m sad. Now I am back to the crazy infertile girl who hates anyone* who dares walk by me with a baby, or a big pregnant belly, or a toddler, or even worse…all three.

Baby on Board sticker on your car? Hate you.

See you carrying a shopping bag from the maternity store? Hate you.

Pregnant and complaining about how you miss drinking? HAHAHA pass me another beer while I hate you!

I’m getting back on my medication, because obviously, I need it. For right now at least. I thought maybe I could get away with not going back on it but I also know that feeling this way does not help anything. So I’m gonna bite the bullet and do what I can to help myself.

Now if my body will just do the same and let me move on to whatever is next for us.

On another note my heart is aching for Jen at the loss of her baby girl Ainsley. Ainsley’s twin Evelyn died at birth and Ainsley has been living at the NICU since she was born 17 months ago. It seems so unfair for her to lose Ainsley this way after she has already lost so much. If you feel so inclined, hop over and giver her some love and support.

*I have to remind you that I am a very sarcastic person and absolutely NONE of this applies to anyone in the IF community. There have been a ton of BFP’s lately and I am thrilled for every last one of you. I don’t hate any of you, I don’t know if I ever could because of all the love and mushy stuff that I feel for you. Seriously.

6 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, It's not always about me, Miscarriage, Sickness

Blah.

Pretty much describes my life at the moment. I got my final HCG test back today. 3 – officially no longer pregnant. Such a bittersweet moment. When they called me to inform me of the results the nurse asked me what my plans where…basically asking if I would be coming back to them for more treatments. Um…NO. I have some issues with my current RE that I really need to explain in another post.

I basically just told them that we are holding on to the hope that my body is going to cooperate and continue to ovulate on its own. If that is the case then we want to try naturally…I mean that’s how we got here so why not give it another go?

I feel very disconnected about the whole thing. Not really sure why.

I am currently on my 4th medication to clear out an ear infection. That’s right. 4. I have pretty much been sick non stop for over a month now. 4 ear infections, bronchitis, a really bad sunburn over the weekend, which ended up leading to sun poisoning the past 2 days. I seriously can’t catch a break.

Not to mention that in the process of getting the fore mentioned sunburn I had to listen to some really ignorant people. We were at the beach with a bunch of people from J’s work. Those people also invited people from all around so the ones that I am talking about I don’t actually know. Anyways I’m lying on the beach trying to snooze and a group of 3 obnoxious girls can’t keep their traps shut. They started joking around that one of them was 3 months pregnant, which of course caught my attention because…you know…babies, so the girl starts denying it and they go into this whole “joke” about how she was hoping for a miscarriage. They even brought up how they hoped it was ectopic so it would have to be aborted or how if not they would use a hanger to take care of it.

Seriously…you can’t make this shit up.

I had to grab J and walk away because I was close to tears. Obviously they don’t know me or my situation but SERIOUSLY? How STUPID and IGNORANT can you get. That is NOT stuff to make light of, I don’t care if you are drunk or joking around or just plain dumb as hell. This is not a joke to all of us struggling every day. The real kicker is I bet any one of these girls could get pregnant the first month they tried. Life kind of sucks that way.

So yeah. Fun times. I woke up Monday morning severely nauseated and ended up spending all day in bed between running to the toilet to vomit every hour or so. I’m starting to get really worried about my job. I haven’t been the most reliable employee lately, they have been nice about it, very understanding, but I know things are not looking good. We are having our big once a year fundraiser this weekend and I’m supposed to work but after I called out today they pulled me from the schedule. They said it is because they want me to take the time to take care of myself but I know it is because they don’t feel like they can depend on my anymore. I can’t really blame them for that. I just hate being so unreliable at a job I used to excel at.

Anyways, this post ended up coming out a lot more depressing then I meant it to be. I do think part of my issue right now is that I got off my anxiety / depression medication when I got pregnant and I haven’t gotten back on it. I don’t feel depressed, on the contrary, I think I’m doing really damn good considering all that happened. But I can’t ignore the anxiety either. I’m gonna give it another week or so and revisit the idea again, but I really don’t want to use the medication if I don’t have to . Hopefully I’ll still have a job by then too. Sigh. I think I need to go to bed now.

15 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Living Life, Miscarriage, Sickness

Not as easy today

I knew going into this that some days would be harder than others. Overall I think I am handling the situation pretty well. I’ve only cried once since coming home from the hospital with the knowledge that I would most likely lose the pregnancy. I haven’t cried at all since I talked to my doctor yesterday morning.

Today I went back to work. I’ve been off for 4 days because of how sick I’ve been with the bronchitis and ear infection. Then the whole miscarriage thing came up. Not a good week on my pay check. Today we had to go do a run through for a big event we are having in a couple of weeks. We went to this gorgeous hotel on the beach to see how everything was going to be set up and the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about how last week I had been trying to think of excuses to not go out drinking with my co-workers after the event was over. I should have been 9 weeks at that point.

It does not help that as of right now I am still pregnant. And I still have to act pregnant. No caffeine, progesterone supplements, no hot tubing to relax, and only Tylenol to ease the pain in my throat. I still have had no pain or cramping, in fact the bleeding has even lightened up a bit. It’s still there, but I have not passed any more clots and still have not needed to wear more than a panty liner. Even that is not really that necessary.

I’m scared that this is going to be a much longer process than I had originally thought. I want this to be over. I want to try again. I want to be pregnant again, with a healthy baby this time. I want to forget this is happening.

15 Comments

Filed under Depression, First Trimester, Miscarriage, Sickness