Category Archives: TWW

Disconnection and Fear

I really miss my ‘tells’. You know, the things that indicate how your TWW is going to end. In my last post I wrote about my tells and how progesterone has taken them away. And now I’m a little bitter about it. 12 DPO and I have NO clue how this is going to end. Usually by this point I am 75% sure. Not this time, no clue. My breasts are tired of being molested to “see if they are sore” which is failing spectacularly. Because sometimes I think they are sore but then I reason it is either from the progesterone or the constant groping. Then other times they feel…like boobs.

I know this is not a new complaint. Most woman have no TWW symptoms and never have and idea if they are pregnant until they pee. I just wish I knew what to expect when I finally do get up the guts to pee. If I wasn’t on progesterone I might of even waited a little longer to test but I need to know if this cycle was a bust so I can get off the meds and we can start over. I feel THAT disconnected about everything. If I didn’t have to test, I wouldn’t. I am not sure if I want to know either way.

My stomach is also taking quite the beating. The injections themselves are not bad. But I was an easy bruiser before the Lovenox. So now my belly is an impressive array of yellow, green, red and purple. Its becoming difficult to find spots to inject that will avoid going into a bruise. Can you say sexy? Of course if this cycle ends up being successful I will hold on to those injections like a life line. But for now while I am in the unknown, I kinda despise them.

I’m starting to get to a point that I ‘suspect’ most of the people around me. Like if a friend contacts me that I haven’t heard from in a while I immediately get this deep fear that they are about to tell me they are pregnant. I have a sister-in-law who said when she got engaged “hopefully in 2 years I’ll be a mom”. 2 years is in December so when she called J to wish him a happy birthday (they are not usually a phone call type of family) I immediately got a sinking feeling in my stomach afraid of what she was going to say. I was wrong, but the fear is still there.

My brother and his wife have been married 4 years. They were young and they have had financial struggles and have said they are not ready…but the fear is there with them too.  And most importantly, my calendar contacted me the other day. My calendar is a friend I worked with who got pregnant 2 months before we started trying. She got pregnant by accident but we always figured we’d have kids close to the same age. Her daughter is now 18 months and last time I spoke to her she told me they were going to start trying again in January. Now I live in fear of being lapped. Sometimes posted about this recently.

I’m now in a place where I fear my friends and family. Awesome. That should make this holiday season especially cheery and bright. I want to hibernate through the rest of this mess.

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10 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, TWW

My foe is coming for me

As I rapidly approach the end of this TWW I find myself for the first time in a long time coming face to face with my arch nemesis. The pee-stick. Oh Pee-stick, what a journey we have had together but to be honest, I shudder at the sight of you.

In the beginning of our treatment I was just like any baby hungry infertile – pee-stick crazy. I would pee with reckless abandonment at 7dpo, 9 dpo, 10 dpo, ect. I found myself holding the sticks up to the light trying to convince myself that there was a faint line there that would soon prove to be a BFP. But it never happened. After 4 Clomid cycles I began to resent that stupid stick and all it represented. I found that is was much more difficult for me emotionally to see a BFN than to get my period. So I put them away. Far back in my linen closet.

To be honest when I did this part of it was because we were on a break and starting to think about an injectable cycle which scared the shit out of both of us. But then the surgery happened and everything changed. But I stuck to my no pee-stick plan. In fact the only times I have peed on a stick this year have been when I was 95% sure I was pregnant.

I’m a spotter. I always start spotting at least 2 days before my period. I’ve also charted long enough to know that my temp drops the day before my period arrives. I also always have a 14 day LP. Given these to little hints my first two pregnancies where as clear as day to me as I was 13 DPO with no spotting and a high temp. Boom, pregnant.

The third was a little different but again, I knew I was pregnant using these tidbits. I was 9 DPO when I started bleeding yet my temp was still high. Chemical.

But everything changes now. Because my doctor, as a security measure, has insisted that I take progesterone after I ovulate. Meaning I won’t get my period on its own, my temp will stay high, and there will be no spotting. I will only know if they cycle has worked or not by taking a pregnancy test.

Damn you pee-stick! You mock me so!

Tuesday is the day.  I refuse to test before 14 DPO. My heart just can’t take it. I don’t think there has ever been a time during this journey that I have dreaded the end of a TWW. This time I would be content to stay in this limbo for a while longer. Because really, in my situation, I don’t know if any result will be a happy one. I will be upset if it is negative and I will be beyond terrified if it is positive. RPL has killed any excitement that I might have had over a pregnancy. That is the cold hard truth.

The pee-stick may win this round. But I’m probably not much of an opponent at this point. Not very hard to knockout someone who is curled up in the corner begging for mercy.

13 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL, TWW

June ICLW

Welcome to all ICLWers! This cycle enters our 18th month TTC. In January I had surgery to remove my right ovary due to a horribly bad reaction of Clomid. The surgery paid off when we got pregnant naturally in April. The pregnancy was short-lived and I miscarried naturally at 6 weeks. This is our 2nd cycle TTC since the miscarriage. Currently I am 11dpo and low on hope. The problem is that I now know what my pregnancy symptoms are and they are very lacking at the moment. If you are new here, I look forward to getting to know all of you and reading your blogs!

On another note, I usually do not get involved in internet drama but I had to post about the blog hoax that happened over the past few days. For those who don’t know there was a blog that was posted on LCFA that gained a lot of attention. The blogger had lost her first pregnancy to a cord issue at 37 weeks. This week she posted that her rainbow baby Chloe who was 2 months old was in a horrible car accident with her husband that left her brain-dead. Horrible right? Well it was all fake.

This hits me hard because of my friend who went through something very similar in December. For those of you who don’t remember my friend  (an infertile) and her family where in a horrible car accident on Christmas Eve this past year. Her 18 month old miracle son suffered a spinal cord injury that left him brain-dead. He was taken off life support on Christmas Day.

And it KILLS me. Everyday I wonder how she is still breathing, some days she wonders that herself. For someone to make light of a situation like this is like a punch in the stomach. This is not an escape from reality this is real life that real people suffer through. I wish I had the girls e-mail because this situation hits near and dear to my heart. I will never understand how someone can do something like that. I wish my life was so perfect that I needed to make up drama as an “escape”.

If you can’t tell, I’m really fuming about this. But I cried tears for the girl. I DEFENDED her even though her story had holes in it. And I’m mad about it.

Sorry, I just had to vent. If you are new from ICLW I’m sorry you have to witness my anger. I’m usually spitting rainbows and sunshine. Heh. Or not. But welcome anyways!

20 Comments

Filed under Infertility, It's not always about me, Just my luck, TWW

I knew I loved Garlic for a reason!

I love garlic. When growing up my mom made well…kinda bland food. Any seasoning she added was mild and she hardly ever used garlic, but when she did it was always garlic powder. J and I love strong flavorful food. So of course we use real fresh chopped garlic and a lot of it! When we visit my parents they never let us cook on Thursday nights because they know we will use a lot of garlic and my mom has choir rehersal those nights and she doesn’t want to stink.

Well you know how I’ve had those earaches that have plagued me since right before I got pregnant? The ones I’ve been on 4 different types of antibiotics for? GARLIC my friends.

I went to an ENT about 2 and a half weeks ago because my throat was hurting so bad I couldn’t sleep because of the post nasal drip running down my throat. He looked in my ears and said they were clear but it did concern him the frequency of when they were happening. He said my nasal passages where inflamed and that is what was causing the post nasal drip. He told me to do something that shocked me…lose the neti pot. GASP! Everyone always raves about neti pots and how amazing they are. I’ve been using mine for many years. But he said that the force of the saline was too strong and could sometimes cause more damage to the inflammation. Instead he had me buy a saline rinse in a squeeze bottle and told me to do it 2-3 times a day along with my nose spray that I’d been neglecting. He said if my ears kept acting up we’d have to do a CAT scan to see what was going on. (Yes I realize I am a physical mess. It sucks.) Worked like a charm. No more sore throat!

I’d been doing pretty good as far as the ear pain staying away for a few weeks until last Tuesday it started up again. My sister-in-law gets stuff like that pretty frequently and recommended that I switch allergy medications. Yes I take an allergy medicine everyday, otherwise my sinus’ rebel. I’d been using A generic for of Claratin and switched to the generic of Zyrtec. Within a few days the pain all went away. Then on Monday it came back. BAD. I knew this time that it was serious because I could not even shut my jaw on the left side, something I’ve experience when I’ve needed a strong anti-biotic. The problem is, at the moment I am not willing to take an anti-biotic. I know they say that it is safe for pregnancy but the fact of the matter is I got on one during the TWW the cycle I got pregnant. I was on 2 different ones during that time. And I miscarried. I am NOT willing to take that chance again.

I did some research and a lot of sites said to try Garlic Oil. I figured…what the hell? So we went and bought some. Smells foul but works like a charm. I put 3 drops in my ear with the dropper and then cover my ear with a cotton ball. I did the a few times during the day then right before bed where I laid on the opposite side so it really got in there good. 2 days later I have absolutely no ear pain and my jaw is back in commission. All without an anti-biotic. I ❤ Garlic.

10 DPO today and not feeling uber confident. I wish I was. I keep molesting my breasts to see if they are sore but they are not. I keep checking my chest, back, and face for a major breakout but only the norm for now. My temp is still high and so far no spotting that proceeds my period but I’m not due till Sunday.

In the meantime send some love to Tami. She got her BFP on Saturday but is very nervous about the low beta. I love this girl and am hoping for a good outcome for her with all my heart. If you have a minute stop by and show some support.

11 Comments

Filed under It's not always about me, Miscarriage, Sickness, TWW

Back in the TWW

I’m on the W.orld of W.arcraft crack. That shizz is addicting. So I’ve been going home running, and playing WoW. NERD! In between those things I’ve been obsessing about ovulating. One might think that since I’ve ovulated every month since December I could just relax about it but noooo…I’m far to insane for that. So I worry that I won’t ovulate. I analyze my temperature, my cervix, and my cm. Crazy person.

Good news is I am 99% sure that I ovulated on Saturday. It always takes me awhile to be sure because my temperature is so damn stubborn and slow rising. But it did start rising this morning and I’ve had the good old sensitive nipples since Saturday. So I’m calling it a win. Even better…it was CD 15. I KNOW RIGHT?!?! Me? The girl who has never ovulated before CD 19? On a NORMAL cycle? I’m in awe.  I heart Vitex.

Now I enter the dreaded TWW. I hate to get my hopes up but I won’t lie, they are. We conceived after 2 months of trying once I started ovulating on my own. This is the 2nd cycle since my miscarriage. Plus I ovulated the day after my birthday. Wouldn’t that be the greatest present ever?

But there is still the negative side of me that will not allow myself to believe that I will conceive anytime soon. I have one pregnancy test left and I’ve been hesitant to order more. I did however finally thrown away my positive tests. I do feel like it was therapeutic. I lined them up in order one last time, gave them a longing look, allowed myself to be sad, and got rid of them. And I don’t regret it. I’m ready to move on, I’m ready to be pregnant again. This next one will be the one. I have to believe that, the alternative is too hard to think about.

Lucky for me my family is in town this week so hopefully that will suppress the crazy for this week at least. Next week is a whole other ball game. But if I’m MIA this weekend it is because I am enjoying the time I have with my family. I know I haven’t done a Written Wednesday in the past few weeks, I’ll try to get one up next week for sure!

12 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Miscarriage, PCOS, TWW

Doctor me, Doctor

It never ceases to amaze me how many doctors I have acquired in my life since we started trying. It’s almost like Pokemon…I’ve got to catch them all! I have a general practitioner, an obgyn, a RE (fired!), a therapist, my hemotologist, an endocrinologist, and now a chiropractor!

J loves going to the chiropractor to get adjustments. He gets neck and back pain from sitting all day long so he has been going for a while. I myself had never been to one until this morning. Really the only reason I decided to go is because this particular practice is free on our insurance. As in insurance pays everything, we don’t even have to do a co-pay, and the practice has massage therapists on staff. Thats right! Free massages baby! So sign me up!

J and I both went in today to have some massages done. The thing is though, after the massage you go see the doctor for an adjustment. I figure it’s a small price to pay for a free massage so why not? I told him I really have never had any pain, I know I carry my stress in my shoulders but it has never bothered me bad. He did a quick exam, told me I have a straight back where it should be curved and that my right leg was shorter than my left (J said I should apply for a handicap sticker for my car), and that he wanted to get a few x-rays to see if there was anything else he should know. I hopped right up and headed to the room with him unphased. Before we did it though he asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant. Pause….well actually…I guess? I am 99% sure I am not pregnant. However I am 8 dpo so I figure I’d rather be safe than sorry so I told him a brief history. He said we should wait and we went back to the room.

He adjusted my back which was great. I pop my back all the time but I can only get the middle he got the whole thing. Then he cracked my neck which scared the shit out of me. I do not like the feeling of someone grabbing my head and sharply jerking it to the side. DEATH OCCURS THAT WAY! But he did it and I am still alive. Phew.

Before checking out he mentioned that he had treated people with fertility issues before and he thought that maybe he could help me. He showed me how all the organs are connected to nerves in the spine and how certain areas of the lower back can have an effect on the uterus and ovaries. If I was willing, he’d like to try to help me. I like the word help! I’ve been wanting to go a more natural path with this whole thing anyways and insurance covers everything, so why not throw a witch doctor chiropractor into the mix?

But that my friends is not the only fun doctor experience I had this week. Remember Dr. Goofy? The new endo I saw who I loved since he totally was willing to do everything my way? Well I was scheduled to do my blood work for him yesterday which was 7 dpo. This was right when I wanted to be tested because I really wanted to know if my progesterone was high enough post ovulation to sustain a pregnancy. I was ready for it. So Monday afternoon I was taking a nap on the couch since I had been up since 4 am at the airport when my phone rang. It was his office which I thought was weird since my actual appointment with him was not till next week. Well the had other news for me. Dr. Goofy…he died.

Yup.

So this is where I officially secured my seat in Hell. I mumbled “Umm…wow…okay…wow…what?” Pretty much acted like a moron. I asked if his partner was taking any of his patients since I figured that would be easiest but that Dr. was not on my insurance. So I hung up the phone and proceeded to panic.

I didn’t want to go to someone else, I wanted THIS blood work done. It was perfect! I also didn’t want to wait another month for it. I’ve been so calm this cycle because I’ve felt like I’m moving forward. I need momentum!

I called every endocrinologist I could find on my insurance trying to find someone who could get me in asap. They all were booked till May, or June, or ending their practice, or part of a Infertility Practice (which I knew my insurance wouldn’t cover even if they were not a RE) and finally after an hour on the phone found someone near my work who could get me in next week. I also told his receptionist about the situation and how I wanted to get this blood work done. She said it was no problem, to go ahead and get it done as planned with Dr. Goofy’s order, and just to have the results faxed to them as well.

YAYYAYAYAYAY! Oh wait…should I be celebrating when a man is dead? Seriously I am a pretty horrible human being because I was wayyyy more concerned about the fact that I might have to wait another month to get my tests done. Maybe J and I should move back to his hometown in Arizona so I can start adjusting to the heat while I accept my fate of going to Hell in a hand basket.

11 Comments

Filed under Infertility, Just my luck, Living Life, PCOS, TWW

Wherein I share way too much with the internet

My body hates me. Like, no joke. The past 5 days have been a long confusing nightmare. As I’ve mentioned I have been ovulating on my own for the past 4 cycles, but I have not been charting them at all. What I’ve been going off of is the fact that my period has been starting on its own which never happened in the previous year. Pretty good indication right? The cycles have been between 31-35 days, not exactly regular but regular enough for me and my OB. I’ve also had after ovulation symptoms like sore nipples and progesterone CM. Like I said, good indication.

So I went into this week very excited and hopeful. I started charting this cycle as well. I was expecting to ovulate between CD 18-21 so during those days we got busy. I was temping every morning, checking my cervix and cm, and on the look out for any ovulation signs. Here is where it gets messy…as of today CD 23 I have not had a thermal shift. Not even a little one. My temp is the same as it has been all month, perhaps even a little lower.

But I FEEL like I ovulated yesterday.  CD 20-22 I have had a high, soft, open cervix and lots of ewcm. Today my cervix started off high then dropped low by late afternoon. My cm has dried up and is even starting to feel a little more like post ovulation cm. Plus my nipples became sore today. I NEVER get sore nipples unless it is during the TWW. So WTF is going on with my temp?!?!?!

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t bothering me. It is driving me crazy! So crazy that I couldn’t go back to sleep for over an hour after taking my temperature this morning. I had been so sure that it would rise! When I was on clomid my temp always went up, yet I never took any progesterone supplements. So I really have no idea what to think. I feel so frustrated because all signs point to ovulation except for that stupid thermometer.

My new Endo wanted me to do blood work 7 dpo (I’m now convinced that this tempted the fates and is the reason I’m in this situation) so my plan is to go in one week from today. I have no idea what to expect. I’m so scared that I’m not going to be ovulating on my own anymore because it totally screws us over. We are not ready to go back to a RE. We are still too scarred from the surgery. But I can’t sit around and do NOTHING. I can’t. I won’t. I also refuse to accept that I have not been ovulating the past 4 cycles, that makes NO sense to me.

Please rise temperature…please, please, please…

 

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, Just my luck, PCOS, TWW