I really miss my ‘tells’. You know, the things that indicate how your TWW is going to end. In my last post I wrote about my tells and how progesterone has taken them away. And now I’m a little bitter about it. 12 DPO and I have NO clue how this is going to end. Usually by this point I am 75% sure. Not this time, no clue. My breasts are tired of being molested to “see if they are sore” which is failing spectacularly. Because sometimes I think they are sore but then I reason it is either from the progesterone or the constant groping. Then other times they feel…like boobs.
I know this is not a new complaint. Most woman have no TWW symptoms and never have and idea if they are pregnant until they pee. I just wish I knew what to expect when I finally do get up the guts to pee. If I wasn’t on progesterone I might of even waited a little longer to test but I need to know if this cycle was a bust so I can get off the meds and we can start over. I feel THAT disconnected about everything. If I didn’t have to test, I wouldn’t. I am not sure if I want to know either way.
My stomach is also taking quite the beating. The injections themselves are not bad. But I was an easy bruiser before the Lovenox. So now my belly is an impressive array of yellow, green, red and purple. Its becoming difficult to find spots to inject that will avoid going into a bruise. Can you say sexy? Of course if this cycle ends up being successful I will hold on to those injections like a life line. But for now while I am in the unknown, I kinda despise them.
I’m starting to get to a point that I ‘suspect’ most of the people around me. Like if a friend contacts me that I haven’t heard from in a while I immediately get this deep fear that they are about to tell me they are pregnant. I have a sister-in-law who said when she got engaged “hopefully in 2 years I’ll be a mom”. 2 years is in December so when she called J to wish him a happy birthday (they are not usually a phone call type of family) I immediately got a sinking feeling in my stomach afraid of what she was going to say. I was wrong, but the fear is still there.
My brother and his wife have been married 4 years. They were young and they have had financial struggles and have said they are not ready…but the fear is there with them too. And most importantly, my calendar contacted me the other day. My calendar is a friend I worked with who got pregnant 2 months before we started trying. She got pregnant by accident but we always figured we’d have kids close to the same age. Her daughter is now 18 months and last time I spoke to her she told me they were going to start trying again in January. Now I live in fear of being lapped. Sometimes posted about this recently.
I’m now in a place where I fear my friends and family. Awesome. That should make this holiday season especially cheery and bright. I want to hibernate through the rest of this mess.