Today is not just any other day. December 2nd will always have meaning to me because on this day two years ago I officially through out the birth control and we decided to start a family.
Two years.
I have seen people have 2 children in this amount of time. Yet here we are still trying to find our way to number 1. It seems impossible the two years ago I was naively thinking I would have a baby in my arms by the following Christmas. I was so ignorant about everything back then. It is almost embarrassing to think how little I knew about my own body.
Boy, would I give anything to be that ignorant again though.
Though I may now look down on people who don’t know when they ovulate or when their last period was, truth is I wish I was one of them again. I wish I was someone who didn’t know the ins and outs of their body, what IVF truly meant, or what a D&C is. Most of all I wish I didn’t know that.
But I do. Two years later I am a treasure trove of conceiving and pregnancy facts. Even though none of those facts have benefitted me in any way. Instead I sit here more unsure than ever, wondering when this will finally resolve. I’d like to think I won’t spend next Christmas the way I will be spending this one, but who knows anymore.
It seems ironic to me now that when I started this blog over a year ago I chose the title “The Elusive Second Line”. At the time nothing could have been more true. I had done 3 rounds of Clomid and never seen even a hint of a line. I used to resent that. I used to think “I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy! At least other people know they can get pregnant!”. I shudder at that thought now. How could I have ever thought such a thing? I’d give anything to not know the pain of loss now.
These days I am nothing but second lines. Second lines that end in heartbreak. I don’t think I could have ever foreseen this.
Bottom line is, I have changed. More drastically than I ever thought possible. I am so far from the person I used to be. Thus the layout change. As much I enjoyed the last layout with the silly cartoon I feel like that is no longer me. I am a different person with different views on life. I am no longer the silly girl with bright hopes and dreams. And I need my blog to reflect that.
J is a very talented artist and agreed to help me with my new layout quest. I wanted it to still be the same Elusive Second Line that everyone is used to, just a little more clean and me. He designed the banner and changed the background to reflect the new colors I selected. His first draft of the banner was what really made me smile though. He decided to add something that makes me happy – aka my dog, and also his own interpretation of our reproductive issues. I present to you draft one of the new banner:
He was pretty sad that I decided not to use it as the main banner. But I applaud his design anyways. Welcome to The Elusive Second Line – Version 2.0. May this year not suck as bad as the last.
theelusivesecondline.wordpress.com 
I used to think the same thing too when we first started this five year journey. Some people at least know they can get pregnant. Four miscarriages later and I wish I had never even thought that. May the next year be good to you. I love the new look!
Your husband is quite talented… I love the explanation of infertility!
Hoping the coming year brings you better news than the past.
The banner brought a smile to my face. Well done J! The blog layout is beautiful.
Not a day goes by where I don’t wonder what life would have been like if we had been one of the “lucky” ones. In a lot of ways, so many things would have been easier. But, I don’t believe it would have been for the better.
So, as much as I hate infertility/RPL and as much as I wish no one knew this pain, I am thankful to have met you. And it is my deepest hope that this year brings resolution to you, me and all our friends we’ve met during our journeys.
Ignorance really is bliss. My friends and I joke that I should get my honorary OB diploma in the mail anytime, now!
Me too, Trisha. I hope this next year is easier, more peaceful, and happier for you.
1. I’m sorry for this anniversary date. Two years is two years too long.
2. How is it that I never knew I had cm prior to ttc? I swear it just was never there!
3. Tell J (again) that I adore him. And tell you that I adore you too. And then squeeze yourself and fall on the floor and roll around a bit (that’s a hug from me).
4. 2013 *will* be better, I promise you.
The two year mark is hard 😦 By that point you’ve done some much, and come so far, except that what you’re ultimately working towards is elusive as ever. 2012 was full of heartache and I hope that next year is a luckier one for you.
Also, I love the new design. I’m glad that you have a space that better reflects where you are. Take care.
I love the new look, clean and fresh and friendly.
I hate that you have reached two years. No one should have to reach these horrible anniversaries.
marks are hard. That I know, it sucks and a shitty reminder of it all. I hope so much for the best this year for you. I really hope 2013 is a year of yeses and all things good! I really love the banner your husband made, he is very talented!!
I love the new look! And I hope that this next year brings a positive resolution for you. Here’s hoping your December 2 anniversary next year will be a celebratory one!
The new design is beautiful. I hope 2013 also brings a change of scenery for you–for the better.
Ok, I admit I laughed at the new banner concept. But I am sorry you are feeling this way. It will be three years for us in February and my blog title makes me wish I was still 35 and not 38-pushing 40. Here’s to getting through “one more” Christmas and on to a better 2013!
I’m on my phone and so can’t see the blog design right now but the banner idea cracked me up. It’s sad too though bc that’s exactly how it goes.
Here’s to a much better 2013. You’ve been through more heartache than a person should have to in a lifetime.
I’m sorry for your anniversary and for the shit year that you’ve had. 😦
As I was reading your post I was thinking about a double meaning behind your blog title. The elusive second line… it’s almost like the step that we didn’t need to take. There’s the bottom line, and then there’s one line beyond that, perhaps. The one that we didn’t know was there until we got to it… perhaps I’m just rambling, but it made me think…
I’m so sorry that you’ve reached your second anniversary of TTC with so much heartache. I don’t mean this as a “keeping score” type of comment so I hope you don’t take it that way, but I went through 8 Christmases and before conceiving our babies via IVF. While I know we’re not out of the woods yet (I just entered week 12), I still have hope and so much love around me. I know you have that love too, and while I know it’s difficult to hang onto hope, I’ve got that covered for you too. XO
Hello there…
I occasionally get traffic on my blog from people who have put ‘that elusive second line’ into their search bars. I figure maybe they were looking for you and wandered my direction instead, but I came by to see. This post – this anniversary – really hit me hard. Who knew that line could hurt so much, huh?
I hope with all my heart that next year is better for you.