One Step Closer

There are moments in life that you treasure, regardless of the outcome. For me the past 2 weeks have been rolling around in my head like a bad lifetime movie. It’s all very dramatic, I’m awesome like that. I think the reason I can’t get it out of my head though, is because I haven’t really talked about it. I mean I’ve shared bits and pieces with people and on this blog, but I never really got the chance to share the whole story, how I felt through it all, and what I see for the future.

So it may be redundant but I’m gonna tell the story. Because I WANT to remember it. I want to remember every little detail because it did mean something to me. I sometimes feel like I am being silly by dwelling on such an early loss, but then I remind myself that it is still a loss. And I need to let that be a part of me.

I didn’t expect to get pregnant during our March cycle. I know that sometimes I’ll say that to myself but in the back of my head I am still so sure it will finally be our month, but it wasn’t like that this time. We had house guests staying with us the week I was due to ovulate. Talk about inopportune timing. We did everything wrong that cycle. During that weekend we went hot tubing, we did try – but not as often as we should have, and generally we let go.

To make matters worse my temperature remained stubbornly low. Based on my cervix position and CM I was sure I had ovulated on CD 22 (monday) but my temp did not budge. Eventually my cervix dropped and my cm dried up, so I figured my body had tried to ovulate but failed. I was devastated. I thought that we had gone back to how it all was before the surgery, that we had gotten a brief window of what it would be like to not have to use fertility meds and now it was gone.

I went back home for my best friend’s wedding that Thursday. I didn’t think twice about going through the full body scan at the airport. It didn’t matter anyways. That next morning on CD 26 my temperature shot up. I felt a huge surge of both relief and sadness. Relief because my body was still working, sadness because there was no way that I was pregnant as we hadn’t done the deed since CD 21. Fertility Friend eventually decided that I had O’d on CD23 (Tuesday) which was better, but still it was almost 48 hours since the last “attempt” so it wasn’t gonna happen.

While on vacation I took no precautions. I did some more hot tubing, I drank loads of caffeine, and pretty much forgot about the situation. When I got home I started planning the next cycle. On 10 DPO I started having a little bit of brown spotting which was right on time. Usually I start spotting 3-4 days before AF arrives so again I was reassured that the cycle was a bust. On 11dpo I was dismayed when I woke up to bleeding. I usually have a 14 day LP so I didn’t want to believe that I had started so early. I decided to wait an hour and check again, when I did there was more blood. I was upset not because of AF, I had expected that, but I really did not want to think about the implications of a short LP. I put in a tampon and sadly went about my day.

That evening J and I went out to eat. Afterwards we stopped at an ice cream shop and enjoyed our desert in the open air. I told him I was done. Not really done, I still wanted to try of course, but I was done putting all my eggs in one basket. I wanted to start the adoption process. It was a calm conversation, emotions were not high, but all of a sudden I was crying. Tears were streaming down my face which was humiliating given we were in a very public area, yet I could not stop them. I was even laughing at how ridiculous the whole thing was, but I could not stop crying. It never occurred to me that this was a symptom.

That evening when I got home I went to change my tampon only to find there was nothing on it. This confused me a bit but I figured that since I had no cramps either that it was some weird spotting and I would start at the normal time. Over the next few days I experienced no more spotting which honestly did concern me. I ALWAYS spot before my period, not to mention my temp was still high.

On Monday (13 DPO) my temp was still high that morning. It should have dropped by then but it was still high. In the past my temp has dropped the day before my period starts. So between not spotting and the temperature I started to feel suspicious, but I convinced myself it was just my imagination and that I would probably start anyways.

I argued with myself the whole way home from work. It is truly easier for me to see my period than a BFN so I really did not want to test…but I was scheduled to go meet my new endocrinologist the next day. I also was down to 2 HPT’s and did not want to waste them on yet another negative. But  I argued with myself over and over again and the hopeful side of my brain won out. As soon as I got home I peed on a stick before I could change my mind. I left it in the bathroom and walked away without a second glance.

I did some mundane things around the house – put away groceries, did a load of laundry, avoided the bathroom, but eventually I knew I had to go look. As I was walking towards the bathroom I said out loud to my dog “It’s time to go see the negative test!”

It was positive. I stared at that thing harder than I have ever stared at anything in my life, afraid that if I blinked it would disappear. Then I broke down.

I sobbed in that bathroom for a good 10 min. Tears STREAMING down my face while I said over and over “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh…”

I could never describe the happiness that I felt in that moment. I was so amazing. And regardless of the outcome I am SO grateful for that moment because of how powerful it was.

I told J that evening less than 5 min. after he walked in the door. I told him that I really didn’t think that now was the right time to get another dog even though we had been out looking for one that weekend. When he asked why I said “Because we are going to have a baby.” He simply said “That’s right.” thinking that I was just being positive. I had to tell him “No, really…we are going to have a baby.”

He thought I was joking, it took a min. to convince him and then I showed him with shaking hands the positive test. Life was good that night.

Although at the end if it all there is no baby for us from that pregnancy I will cherish that night. That night made all the crap we have gone through in the past year and a half seem worth it and it also gave me a renewed sense of strength.

It may sound crazy but for me, my miscarriage was a good thing. Not good that I lost a baby that was so desperately wanted, but it really did change how I felt about our future. Before the pregnancy I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel, I was tired of feeling so un-happy. But now…I know what I have to look forward to. I ache to have that evening again, that evening of carefree bliss, of knowing that we created LIFE.

We can do it again. I know we can. And we will be just as happy the 2nd time around, hopefully the ending is just as happy as well.

While I miss that baby, I know it served its purpose. It made me strong enough to hold on a little longer, till it can come back to me with a healthier body. I know that baby is waiting for me just like I am waiting for it. I will never understand why it is taking so long or why we are being put through so much, but I do know that the end result will be worth it.

I’ve only had one small break down since finding out about the miscarriage. I was in the car on my way to a meeting when a song came on the radio, a song I’ve never given much mind but it touched me. One step closer…that is what I am.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more