28

This past weekend I turned 28 years old. Now before you all start throwing virtual dirty looks my way, I know that is not old. But it doesn’t change the fact that I started this journey when I was 25. If I was a “normal” person I’d probably have a 2-year-old and be thinking about a second child.

We spent my birthday in Michigan visiting J’s family. We hadn’t seen them in almost a year and a half  due to my latest foray in the operating room. It was good to spend time with them and generally just relax. Parts of it did make me sad though because we had planned to visit Michigan this summer with MB in tow. There are still times that shadows of what my life should have been pop up and take me unaware.

But on to happier things. While we were there, we stopped by the local Salvation Army. I have to say, SoCal thrift stores blow. Seriously, they are more expensive and generally don’t have much. But this one, I hit the mother-lode. I had to refrain for buying up all the cute girls clothes as I have no idea what gender our baby will be.

I did get 8 onesies though. All in excellent condition (some don’t even seem to have ever been worn) and all gender neutral. The best part? I got them all for a grand total of $4. Score!

So yes, I have started doing some *light* shopping. At first it was really scary and actually had me in mini-panic attacks. I never allowed myself to look at baby stuff so the idea of buying some sent me into a tailspin. But then I reasoned with myself. The fact is, I don’t get to do the normal pregnancy bonding thing. And I NEED to feel connected to this adoption. So the onesies have entered a small pile of clothing that I have started collecting when I’ve come across some amazing bargains. I don’t think I’ve spent more than $10 but still. I’m a work in progress. Also J got me a glider for my birthday. It is perfect and will be something that I know I will eventually make great use of.  And if for some reason it doesn’t end up in a nursery it is an awesome reading chair. Yup, I went there.

But the good news is this morning I got an e-mail from our social worker with our completed home study. I won’t lie, I teared up (while at work) when at the bottom it said she recommended us for adoption. I mean, I knew that. She told us that. But seeing it in writing was a great feeling.

This weekend I will be filling out all the paperwork for our adoption agency while our social worker’s supervisor approves the final draft of the study. The paperwork for the agency is minimal in comparison to the home study. They’ve told us it only takes a few days to get everything completed, so my goal is to start having our profile shown by the end of the month.

J and I have become obsessive baby spotters. More specifically, black baby spotters. Every time we see an African-American baby we immediately point them out to the other person. J calls them “fuzzies” and tells me how excited he is to have our own fuzzy.

I never thought 3 years later these things would be happening. But they are. My life didn’t turn out the way I expected when I was 25. But I am sure excited to see where it is headed.

Do infertility blogs have an expiration date?

This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot lately. For the most part I feel that the ALI community has generations of sorts. When we start out we find blogs that are roughly around the same part of the process that we are, or who are also starting to navigate the waters of blogging. We band together and form attachments to these people. We follow each other’s stories with hopeful hearts and understanding spirits. But along the way something starts to change…people start to resolve.

All those who struggle with infertility eventually resolve. Some will have their miracle babies, some will turn to adoption, some may even choose to live child-free. But we all do it. We find a way to move on with our lives and create a universe where our infertility no longer defines us.

So then what happens to our blogs? In all honesty I know very few blogs that have managed to resolve while still remaining true to its infertility roots. The two main things I see happen are 1) they step away from their blogs and stop writing once they resolve; or 2) they become mommy bloggers.

Let me state for the record: I do not see anything wrong with either of these options. Trust me, I can imagine how hard it would be to write about the woes of infertility while your adorable baby is sleeping soundly next to you. I also know how much joy it would be to write about that child that you worked so hard to bring into your life. Who doesn’t want to both brag about your baby and also describe the more difficult aspects of motherhood? I get that.

I also understand those who decide to walk away from their blogs once they have resolved. For those who decide to live child-free I can imagine it is because the blog would be a constant reminder of what you have had to endure. It is not easy to move on when something that big is still staring you in the face. For those who have children, you may feel as though you are no longer part of the community or that you are being insensitive to others who are still in the trenches.

I know for me personally, as a blogger who is pursuing adoption, I find myself in a difficult position in the infertility community. Because yes, I am still infertile. And yes, I am still trying to bring a baby into my home. But it is a very different path, one that I don’t see many bloggers follow.

My generation of the community has grown up. The women whose blogs I still read have all found a way to their babies. Only 1 has not become pregnant or given birth, although for now she is building a new life for herself and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I still follow every single blog. I read all the birth stories, the pregnancy fears, the sleep training, and breast-feeding dramas. I still care deeply about every single one of these women who have made such a deep impact on my life the past 2 years. I beam with joy at every safe delivery and reach of viability. Because you all deserve this happiness. More than anyone.

But I’m still here. I know I’m closer now than I have ever been, but I’m still not there. This Mother’s Day was probably one of the most difficult days of my life (other than my miscarriages of course). It was worse than MB’s due date believe it or not. Maybe because on MB’s day it was not in my face, however with Mother’s Day it was all anyone talked about. I fought tears all day long thinking how unfair it was that I didn’t get to hold my babies on that day. J was super sweet though, and brought me home some flowers. He said to me “Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for being so good to our babies.” Which of course made me feel incredibly lucky and incredibly guilty at the same time.

But I digress. My main point is, it seems to me there comes a point for all of us where we have to make big decisions about where our blog is headed. I have felt myself already starting to pull away from this space, though it has been a unconcious decision. I haven’t meant to go so long between posts, but I feel as though there is not much for me to say. Adoption is so different from cycling. There is no constant change or revelations made. It is mostly just waiting.

I hate to jump to conclusions and say that once we have a baby in our home that I will stop blogging, because this space has been such a source of comfort and strength for me over the years, but at the same time I don’t know if I can imagine posting a lot of information about our child. Especially given how adoptions can be a little tricky to navigate in that area.

So for those of you who have resolved – How did you make the decision to either keep blogging or step away?

The Waiting Game

I know it has been awhile since I posted. That fact that I haven’t posted anything in weeks has been looming over me, making me feel guilty. I’m not sure why I feel guilty, I’m sure none of you are holding it against me, but still I feel it.

Truth is, the adoption process is kinda boring. It is pretty much one big wait. Sure we did have our final social worker visit a few weeks ago but really it was not that exciting. We now have baby locks on all the drawers in our house which seems ironic since we have no idea when we will get a baby but you do what you got to do. Everything went well, our social worker told us she was going to approve us, now we just wait for her to write up the report. She has 45 days from the last visit which  puts us at June 12th. After that it should only be a matter of weeks till our profile is shown.

And there you have it. My exciting life.

With Mother’s Day  around the corner I’m trying my hardest to forget that I should have my baby in my arms right now. I know the baby I’m supposed to have is on its way but I still never forget the ones that are missing from my life. I think I just wish I felt like an expecting mother. With pregnancy you get this epic build up to the baby (whether good or bad) but with adoption you just get a ton of paperwork and the a bunch of waiting and uncertainty. It just doesn’t feel like I will finally be getting a baby this year. It feels like I’m going through the motions, yet again, but I will end up disappointed…again.

So when will this start feeling real for me? I’m worried that all my losses have screwed me up so badly that I am incapable of ever accepting that things can work out. J always says things like “when we get the baby…” And I do too, but in my head it feels like I’m lying when I say it. I feel broken. And I’m wondering if that will ever go away.

 

Sucker Punched

Let me start by saying I am excited about our upcoming adoption. Thrilled actually. J and I are in a better place then we have been in a very, very long time. I can’t tell you how many nights J turns to me and says “Can we get the baby tonight?” or “I’m ready for our sweet baby!” Yes he calls our future baby ‘Sweet Baby’. Endearing no?

So why is it, when I am in a good place and excited, that it still feels like a punch to the stomach when someone else announces their pregnancy?

My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me and got married less than a year ago announced her pregnancy last night. To her credit, she was extremely concerned about how I found out. She actually had my mom tell me (I don’t live in the same state as her so I rarely see or talk to her) when she was around 7 weeks, and she didn’t announce on FB till 12 weeks. So I knew it was coming, I knew her due date, I knew all of this…but it still hurt.

I sent her a private message congratulating her and thanking her for letting me know before hand but the whole time I felt like I was lying. I HATE being this person. I should be happy, I mean she was my first friend in life. I can’t tell you how many sleep overs we had. During college we went to Australia together for 3 weeks, just the two of us. She waited a long time to get married and I was thrilled when she found her husband. I should be happy because the way things are going, it looks like we will be raising babies at the same time. We will be able to talk and share tips about sleep training, strollers, ect.

That part I am excited for, I guess it is just the thought that she is going to get to have an experience that I want so badly that bothers me. I have a very odd opinion about pregnancy at the moment. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again, too much can go wrong, too much pain can come from it. Yet, I am so envious of those who unknowingly get to have this amazing experience that I will never get to have. The ones who become pregnant and twiddle their thumbs throughout the whole thing not understanding what a miracle it is. Most of all I envy that they get to see the physical manifestation of their relationship with their partner.

That is the one thing I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. That I will never get to see that mix of me and J. That he will never get to look at his child and see himself in their little face. He could. He could with someone else, just not with me.

To clarify I am in no way ‘settling’ with an adopted child. I am already so crazy about the baby that is going to come into our home. I’ve even found myself wandering through the baby sections at stores and browsing through onesies, something I never let myself do when I was pregnant. The fact that we are bringing this child into our home feels me with so much joy. To see J excited in a way he never was during our TTC time brings me joy. This all is such a happy time for us. It is truly where I want to be.

But I’m still jealous. And I really, really wish I wasn’t.

 

Phase 1 complete

Well phase 1 of our home study interviews are over. Last week both J and I had our individual interviews with our social worker. It definitely wasn’t exactly the most fun 2 hours of my life but it probably could have been worse. She asked about everything under the sun starting from my child hood up until our history with infertility. That was probably the worst part for me, as I started crying when I talked about my pregnancy with MB. I’m afraid she is going to perceive that as me not being over it, even though I am. It still is just painful to remember all those emotions and all the pain we went through when we lost him.

However I’m assuming that most people who pursue adoption have tried to have children naturally so I am probably not the only one to break down when talking about that particular subject. The did indeed ask about our issues with our sex life, although it was not as bad as I thought it would be. We had both just put down on our paperwork that it has been a slight issue in our marriage, mostly because my sex drive is pretty much non-existent these days. She gave us some advice as we moved on.

There were definitely some assumptions made that were kind of annoying as she has only read our profile and talked to us for a few hours, but I know she is just digging to make sure we are stable. Our next step is our couple interview / home inspection which will be in 2 weeks. Kinda annoyed that we couldn’t do it sooner but she is working with 11 couples at the moment so her schedule sucks. J is feeling very encouraged at this point. She told him that in the 9 years she has been doing this she has only turned down 1 couple. So odds are good everything will go smoothly for us. Of course if we end up being the 2nd couple she turns down I’m going to feel incredibly screwed up. Trying not to dwell on that. Thinking happy thoughts…thinking happy thoughts…

I’m a lying liar that lies.

Hair stylists are much more than someone who just cuts your hair. Often times we play the psuedo-therapist. We hear all about your life, family, problems and much more. The problem is when the questions then turn on us. For the most part I try to keep my personal life out of conversations when I am with a client. I ask them questions about themselves and try to learn more about them while keeping myself out of the line of fire. But there is one questions that I can’t seem to avoid. “So do you have kids?”

It must be because people see my wedding ring while they are watching me cut their hair, but that is almost always the first question I get. Now you all know that I have no problem sharing my reproductive woes, hell if you meet me on the street and we strike up a conversation there is a good chance you will hear all about my uterus and it’s inability to procreate. But with this new job I’m trying to give myself a clean slate and of course trying to avoid my clients thinking I’m some psychotic girl who talks about her reproductive organs to strangers, because let’s face it, I want them to keep coming to me so I can make money.

No one at my job knows about our issues, this is the first time in almost 2 years that this has been the case. I haven’t brought up kids, adoption, or anything of the sort to anyone I work with. But that damn questions feels like a punch in the gut every single time. I try to keep it simple by saying “No” or “Not yet”. If they press on I tell them we are thinking about it as if it hasn’t been all of thought about every minute of every day for the last 2 years. They usually ask how long I’ve been married, I tell them and they say something along the lines of “Oh you still have plenty of time” or “Enjoy it while it lasts!”. At this point I have to resist the urge to cut a few special designs of my own making on the back of their scalp.

Again, they don’t know what we’ve gone through, or just how broken of a person I really am. So it isn’t fair to be upset by these comments. It’s more about how I feel like I’m denying that my babies were ever a part of me. I hate acting like they never existed. They did. They are so deeply engraved on my heart that at times I feel as though it is going to burst from missing them so much. I also worry that when we do finally bring a baby into our home that I won’t have enough room in my heart for them. What if part of me will be forever in mourning for the babes that I never got a chance to know? I just hate this. It’s not fair that I don’t get to brag about my babies but instead I hide them away so that I don’t make things “awkward” for people.

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming up April 21st-27th and I for one plan on making a statement about it. Keiko over at The Infertility Voice made some awesome Facebook cover photos to show that infertility is a much bigger problem than most people realize. I will be posting one as well as coming clean about what we have been through. Most of my friends probably know as when we did the fundraiser to help with our adoption we were very honest about everything, however I want to stand up and stop hiding this part of me away. I know there are so many women (and men) out there that are struggling but too afraid to reach out. Instead we remain silent while secretly crying over every pregnancy announcement on Facebook. If I can get even 1 of my fertile friends to maybe second guess posting an ultrasound picture or refrain from posting how hard pregnancy is for them then I will feel as though I accomplished something.

In the mean time, unfortunately, I will have to keep up the facade of “thinking about” starting a family at work. I’m not ready for my co-workers to know about this, especially since I’m still not out of my 90 day probation period and the last thing I need is for them to feel like I’m going to be leaving for maternity leave soon (which is entirely possible). I’ll tell them, but not until our home study is done and I feel a little more secure in my position.

So does anyone have any helpful hints on how I can refrain from balding my clients? Maybe I need anger management classes…

Unexpected

Easter was a calm one at our house. Having no family around makes for peaceful holidays. It times like that make me so excited for kids so that we can start our own family traditions. We mostly hung out and then spent a little time with friends in the evening. We were surprise when the Easter Bunny sent us a rather interesting Easter Egg before bed.

My brother-in-law’s wife is originally from China and she is currently over there spending time with her family. One of her neighbors is currently 5 months pregnant with their 2nd child, however China has a 1 child law. You are able to have another child, however you have to pay very high fees and taxes. The couple has decided that if the child is a girl they will be giving her up for adoption. So they e-mailed us and asked us if we are interested in taking her.

The catch is, because of the very high abortion rates for female fetus’, they do not tell parents the sex of the baby until birth. If it is a boy, they will be raising the baby.

J and I talked about it and both came to the decision that if the child is a girl, we want to adopt her. However we are not willing to stop the adoption process we already have going, in case the baby ends up being a boy. So we will continue with our domestic adoption and will most like adopt and African-American baby this summer. In July the child in China will be born and if it does end up being a girl we will take her too.

Yeah.

So now I have so much research and things to figure out. I don’t know if we can convert our current home study to include international adoption as well as domestic. I also need to find out how China’s laws work if the birth parents designate the adoptive parents. I’m assuming we would still not be able to bring her home immediately and would be subject to a waiting period, however we are lucky because J’s brother and his wife will be over in China and could foster her for us (or if they won’t let them foster, they could at least check in on her and make sure she is okay). The cost is also a big factor, we are hoping since we would be chosen by the birth parents that would cut down some expenses. It will also be a determining factor depending on what will happen with our home study.

So much information I feel like my brain is going to explode.

This by far is in no-way a done deal. There is too much to figure out, too much that could go wrong. However, we can’t help but feel excited about the prospect of having 2 babies this year, most likely within weeks of each other. It would not be without its difficulties but I also have the image of a little black boy and a little asian girl holding hands on their way to the first day of kindergarten. Brother and sister in a unique family. How amazing it would be.

If anyone has ever adopted from China I’d really appreciate any advice or in-sight as to how the system works. I’m absolutely clueless. Now I’m off to send about a million e-mails to see if there is a chance that this special Easter Egg can hatch into reality.